


Redeemed

by Aydaptic



Series: Patience [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Drunken Shenanigans, First Kiss, M/M, Tenth Street Reds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-07 11:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7712431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aydaptic/pseuds/Aydaptic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Signing up in the Alliance at the age of 18, after a life of petty crime, made John Shepard realize that helping people was what he wanted to do. After calling it quits with the Reds, he never wanted anyone in his life - until he is assigned as Commander of the <em>Normandy</em> and meets a certain biotic by the name of Kaidan Alenko.</p>
<p>(Part 1 of 3 - can be read separate!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Escape

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Okay, so I realized that it was a lot better to divide my fanfic into **Part 1:** ME1/ME2, **Part 2:** ME2/ME3 and **Part 3:** Post-War instead of writing absolutely everything in one work. In other words, those of you that are following "Patience" have already read this (except from "Chapter 1: Escape" that is entirely new.)
> 
> Default John Shepard (Sheploo - Earthborn - Sole Survivor - Soldier.)
> 
> _“In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky_  
>  _In my heart there’ll always be a place for you for all my life_  
>  _I'll keep a part of you with me_  
>  _And everywhere I am there you'll be.”_
> 
> _\- “There You’ll Be,” Faith Hill (Jai McDowall cover)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*~

Being pushed around and told what to do was one of the few things that downright pissed Shepard off. It made him feel like some kind of an errand boy. He was aware that, in some way, he was. Constantly being thrown around the streets on a new job, interrogating, intimidating, killing and spreading fear by making people aware of the presence of the Tenth Street Reds.

That would identify you an errand boy.

Growing up on Earth without any parents to care for him, seeing they either bailed out or died, he had little choice but to find his own way of survival. Joining up in a gang was the easiest choice. They always needed young, capable people to count in as members. Kids like Shepard were easily exploited seeing that they needed nourishment to live like everyone else. Most people would do fucked up things to survive and Shepard was no exception. He was never that kind of guy that would consider to put a bullet into his own skull when things became difficult.

He had on several occasions wanted to just stop caring, but that was almost the same thing, only less blood involved.

Shepard rounded the corner of the Reds so called “HQ” to see Finch leant up against the wall with arms folded across his chest, in conversation with Curt, another member of the Reds. The three were usually assigned to the same jobs if it required more than one person.

“Put your dicks away, ladies. Got a new job for us.”

Finch scoffed. “Fuck off, Shep. You wish,” he said, released his arms and pushed himself away from the wall. Shepard flicked up a pack of cigarettes but made no comment. “Hey, gimme one of those will you?”

“You’d be choking before you even got it lit, Finchy. Couldn’t last two seconds.” Shepard held one to the surface of his lips as his other hand reached for the lighter in his back pocket.

“Ouch, Shep. Your cocky attitude come along with it? Or is it just your charming personality?”

He lit his smoke. “Touché.”

They were always bickering around like that. Shepard found little to be more amusing that seeing Finch flare up like a thousand suns. It didn’t exactly take much to light his fuse because he was touchy as hell. A guy who could dish it out but couldn’t take it. Shepard wouldn’t exactly call himself ‘close’ with anyone in the Reds as he wasn’t naïve. All of them were in it for themselves, him included, and he wasn’t shy to that. He always kept his eyes open as his supposed ‘friends’ wouldn’t think twice about snatching his wallet no matter how low on credits he was.

“Play it nice, assholes,” Curt broke in. “Spill each other’s guts _after_ we’ve finished the job.”

Yeah, then there was Curt. Not much better than Finch. The guy had a tendency to end up in jams and needing Finch bailing him out (like Blasto and Bubin come to think of it, although neither of them had a lover in every port, or that many tentacles.) He wasn’t as touchy and that was the very reason why Shepard didn’t flip him the bird as often.

It took away the fun when he didn’t get a reaction.

Finch shoved his hands deep down in his pockets. “So what the hell are we dealing with here, anyways?” he asked. “Or did you fall asleep during the debriefing just like last time?”

_So you aren’t a *complete* idiot._

“Hey, that guy can talk for hours. I can’t exactly stand still for that long in these jeans, either. They’re really fucking tight down there,” Shepard said. “Oh, wait. You wouldn’t know how that feels.”

Curt muffled a laugh.

Finch shook his head. “Too much info.”

Shepard leant his hip to a stray metal barrel. “Not much to go on. Like always. Name’s Aaron,” he said. “The street is pretty packed today and this requires three bodies to get done -- one for lookout, one for making a distraction, and of course, one for putting a bullet in the target’s skull. I guess even the two of you can handle that.” He saw Finch tensing up and was barely able to hold back the smirk. “Some guy from a rival gang gave Mr. Can’t Do Shit Himself trouble, rat him out to _another_ rival gang, and he wants us to take care of it.”

“Talk about Jericho like that and he’ll eventually find out,” Curt piped in. “If it wasn’t for him, you’d be lying dead in the streets, wishing for your mommy and daddy dearest to come pick you up. I wouldn’t want to end up on his bad side.”

He had to admit that Jericho wasn’t really a guy he would want to go toe-to-toe with. The guy was huge. A twenty-year-old pile driver. Shepard was himself seventeen -- wasn’t too low on muscles himself -- but Jericho had been on the streets longer than him. He knew he wouldn’t have a chance against him but he kept that to himself. Show any sign of weakness among these people and you were walking dead meat.

Shepard snorted. “Keep telling yourself that. So are we going or not?”

“Lead the way, Columbus,” Finch said. “The sooner we get this done the sooner I can be rid of your smug face.”

“Nah, you’d miss it too much.”

The three soon left for the garages only a few blocks away to get their motorcycles. Shepard had one of his own seeing that he was also their main mechanic. No one around were as good as him with the tools and that gave him an edge.

You had to be smart to survive on the streets and these guys needed him.

He shoved in the key, turned it around until he heard a *click* and pulled up the metal gate. A goofy smile crept up on his lips as he saw the two-wheeled beauty before him. It was a _Moto Guzzi Stelvio 2015_ MC with a few red spots that he had been saving up for. Easy to maneuver, and fuck, it helped that it looked nice. He had earned a handful of envious glances from several people -- reds, rival gangs and pedestrians alike. He hadn’t used her in about three weeks. After a job gone awry, they had to lay low. Shepard had a different partner at the time.

Their job back then was to steal some device from a rival gang leader, but after they had broken in, its owner heard the commotion his partner caused and confronted them. Shepard was almost able to talk him down until the asshole he worked with acted before he thought.

The son-of-a bitch instead chose to shoot the guy between the eyes, angering their rivals, turning almost the whole street against the Tenth Street Reds alone. They had some kind of deal between each other that was comparable to the mafia. A relationship based on respect. They had violated that understanding in that very moment, and after that, everything just went to hell. They lost allies. The Alliance was still looking for the culprit behind it all because the streets became a complete mess after the incident, killing many civilians in the process.

Shepard approached the MC, only to begin softly cursing under his breath, seeing that her oil was leaking.

“Fucking... fuck, son-of-a...” he murmured, dropping to his knee next to her. “Stupid, fucking -!”

Finch leant to the garage door. “You all right, mate?” he asked, reaching for a car Shepard was working on. “Something wrong with your wheels? You sound like a truck driver who forgot his lunch in his other pants.”

“Hey, don’t fucking touch anything,” Shepard said, the cigarette resting on his lower lip.

Finch rolled his eyes, but averted his hand. Shepard’s focus was back to the leak. Her oil pan seal had a dent that probably appeared when he moved the bike to make space for the car. The seal could be replaced. It was a wonder he hadn’t noticed it before now. He was usually both careful and possessive over the MC seeing that he didn’t allow anyone to touch her. Do as much as breathe on her and you were bound to receive a real mean right-hook. The _Moto Guzzi_ was expensive as fuck and he had spared no expense with the few credits he had.

“I’m going to need ten minutes. Replace the oil,” Shepard said.

Finch scowled. “Are you kidding me? Ten minutes to change oil? Hell, just take a damn oil canister and pour it in. Thought you were supposed to be the ‘master mechanic’ around here. Or do you just say that so Jericho won’t kick your ass out?”

_You can’t be serious..._

He returned his expression. “This ain’t a fucking car, genius,” he replied, grabbed a rag from his back pocket and started drying the remaining oil off his hands. “Aged oil needs to be entirely tapped first, and to get the whole load out, you’ve got to let the engine run for ten minutes so it reaches its normal temperature. I also need to replace the filter.”

In the rear-view mirror, Finch threw up his hands in defeat.

_Idiot._

Shepard wasn’t even sure why he tried.

“Finchy, make yourself useful. Grab an oil seal.”

“A fucking what?”

“An oil seal, jackass. What the fuck do you think it is? Oil. Seal. Can’t get more specific than that,” he said, waving a hand to a workbench. “Second drawer from the top.”

He whistled. “Hey, easy, Shep... Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

Finch obeyed seeing that they would never get moving if he didn’t. He pulled out the drawer and started looking through it until he grabbed a cover and waved it in the air. Shepard held out a hand, only to hit his forehead into the handle of the MC, as he instead felt the metal hitting him straight into the kneecap. The shit-eating grin Finch gave him was enough for him to want to put a bullet in his skull.

Shepard groaned. “Son-of-a -! Fucker...”

*

They parked their vehicles about a block away from their location. If they brought them in, they would surely be mugged for every last credit, being in rival territory. He could recognized a few of the gang members that he had earlier been in a brawl with, so he pulled up his jacket collar, covering half his face. Shepard sent Curt out to create a distraction while Finch was the lookout.

He dragged his feet towards the entrance. If he was lucky, he could buy some info from someone. Loyalty wasn’t worth much seeing that everything came down to money in the long run.

Shepard stumped his smoke on a nearby wall and let it drop.

He spun around the cover with his _Edge_ pistol up, only to hear a small and pitiful gasp, ending up face-to-face with a kid who couldn’t be more than seven. The kid had to know better than to go up against a guy -- obviously older than him -- with a gun. The kid was simply another soul with nowhere else to turn. It was easier to buy the loyalty of kids, requiring less to be persuaded with, so things just got a lot easier.

Shepard lowered his arm and pulled out five credits.

“Think you can help me out, kid?” Big eyes wandered to the money as he hesitated before turning them back up. “I’m looking for a guy named Aaron.” The kid went pale. He looked utterly terrified, making it obvious that he knew him, so Shepard lied. “I just want to talk to him.”

“I’m... I’m Aaron,” he said, his voice small.

Shepard froze up. That couldn’t be right. Aaron was a common name and Jericho wouldn’t have sent him to kill a kid. That was downright messed up. He was a reckless asshole, that was for sure, but this was taking it too fucking far.

 _Did Jericho know?_ He shuddered at the thought. _No,_ he thought, and shook his head. _Not a fucking chance._

“You the only ‘Aaron’ here?” he asked, just to be sure.

When Aaron slowly nodded, face pale as snow, Shepard’s brain stopped functioning properly. Before him was two wide eyes that were bound to break into tears. Shepard took another moment to check his surroundings. He was in the right place. It was him. Kids were perfect for rooting out others. Could move around more easily, hide more easily, ears and eyes everywhere without anyone expecting it. Shepard’s first years in a gang consisted of just that. He had boundaries to what he was willing to do and killing a kid was crossing a line.

He wanted to help the kid, but fuck, there wasn’t anything he could do. He would’ve escaped from the life of crime himself if only he knew how without dooming himself in the process.

Shepard clutched the gun. He saw Aaron avert his eyes before he slammed them shut as tears begun streaming down his face. He had no idea how to deal with a crying kid. Shepard shoved the gun into his belt. He hesitated before he crouched down to be face-to-face with him, not to seem intimidating, as it worked for animals. He awkwardly cleared his throat.

“Uh... kid,” he said, reaching out in attempt to comfort him. Tiny muscles tensed. Shepard quickly took his hand back.

_Okay. Shit. Bad move._

“Sorry,” Shepard said and inhaled a sharp breath. “Look, I didn’t know you were a kid, so... fuck. Sorry. You’re safe, okay? I ain’t gonna hurt you. I promise.” He held up his hands. “Look, no gun.”

Aaron eventually managed to pry his eyes open. Shepard slowly raised the credits up to him not to startle the kid and held them up.

“Here,” he added. “I promised you this if you told me who Aaron was, and you did, so here you go.”

Aaron gazed somewhat hesitantly at the money. His expression was uncertain. Shepard put them down on the floor before him, slowly pulled up from the ground, and backed a few steps. The kid seemed to relax slightly again. He held Shepard with his eyes as he crouched down to take them as if he expected him to act when he was off-guard.

He felt like he should say something.

Shepard moved a hand to tub the back of his neck. “Hey, uh... for the record... you really pissed off my boss. He saw you as a threat. You must be pretty good, huh?” he asked. Aaron’s eyes lit up and then a careful smile showed itself on his mouth. “Take care of yourself, kid.”

He found Finch and Curt and told them that it was done.

A bomb of uneasiness went off in his abdomen knowing he needed to give Jericho a convincing lie. The target was still alive, but Jericho didn’t know that, and it was better to keep it that way. There was only one person in the galaxy he could trust with what happened -- a damn attractive bartender named Ace Hunt that he met about a year ago -- but even so, he couldn’t tell him about it, because Shepard had earlier lied to him that he had left the Reds behind. Ace was also the only one alive that knew Shepard’s first name.

He managed to keep it under wraps for a week -- but shit went down resulting in Ace’s death -- and he was on the run for his life.

Shepard had a huge bounty on his head. Some bastard had found out about him backing out from killing Aaron and Jericho got ahold of the information. The guy he once called ‘his boss’ had pinned the whole incident that nearly ruined their whole business on him, giving the Alliance an anonymous call, saying Shepard was behind it. The whole city was looking for him. He was a wanted man, both by the Reds and the Alliance. For the first time in forever, he had no goal, no plan and no one to turn to.

...and it scared the crap outta him.

*

Eventually he came by a coffee shop. The local was far from packed. His hand was clutched around a just-bought cappuccino, or whatever the fuck it was called, seeing that they didn’t serve anything but coffee. Shepard have never had coffee before.

The Alliance had no face to go after, only descriptions. Blue eyes, dark brown hair three inches long in length, often oil stains in clothes, usually wearing torn jeans and a black leather jacket. They also had his last name. Shepard. His mind tricked him into hearing police sirens and the hum of the Reds MC’s. Each time he heard the bell above the door go off, his eyes went watchful as people stepped in and out, expecting it to be someone wanting him dead. He had lived just like that for who-knows-how long.

His throat went dry when the next person arrived through the doorway. Straight posture, uniform, definitely Alliance.

He didn’t care to get a good look at him and tried to make himself as small as possible as he sat at the inner table. He tried to inconspicuously cover his face without seeming to obvious. It was confusing why an Alliance Officer would look for him and not send one of their jarheads to do it for him. The guy was alone and had most likely seen his motorcycle outside.

Shepard had expected to hear a gun cock when he reached his table, but he didn’t, and instead heard a calm voice.

“You’re a long way from home, son.”

_Fuck._

He didn’t look up, but he could see the guy slump into the seat before him in his peripheral vision.

“It isn’t safe out here alone,” he added “...and those cuts on your face? Better allow someone to look at them.”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that. Thanks. Congratulations, you found me. You going to cuff me or what?” Shepard said dryly.

He looked up and saw the guy clearly. He was an older man, definitely in his middle thirties. The guy didn’t answer at first and seemed unfazed by Shepard’s unyielding hostility.

“I’ll might have to but that’s not why I’m here. You’re Shepard, correct?”

Shepard snorted without humor.

_Obviously._

That was apparently answer enough for him.

“My name is David Anderson,” he added. “I’m from the Alliance. You’re a smart kid. I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now. I can see that you’re aware of the situation we’ve found ourselves in, but I can also see that you are making no attempt of fighting back.”

_What’s the point? I can’t go up against the whole fucking Alliance._

“Listen up, son -”

“I’m not your son, old man,” he spat, lifting the coffee to his mouth

“Well listen up either way, because that attitude is going to get you nothing more than a kick in the ass.”

Shepard nearly choked on his drink, starting to sputter and cough like a madman on red sand. He sure as hell hadn’t expected to hear that from this ‘Anderson’ guy... and fuck, coffee tasted like shit. Never again.

_Why the hell does people like this stuff?_

He scowled and pushed it aside.

“The reason why I was able to track you down here is thanks to a kid who called himself ‘Aaron’,” he continued. Shepard froze up. “Good. You remember him. An Alliance unit asked around for you and he approached one of the soldiers that later reported back to me. It became obvious to me that it went deeper than all this, seeing that it didn’t make a lick of sense. The incident that you’re supposedly responsible off? It was brutal. A massacre. A man able to pull that off wouldn’t care when it came to pulling the trigger on a 7-year-old.”

“And the point of all this?” he asked.

“The point is that we both know you’re innocent.” There was a subtle softened change in his facial features at the addition and Anderson seemed to have noticed. “There’s no hard evidence against you. Hell, they point to someone else when the crime scene was investigated more thoroughly, proving you were simply caught in the crossfire. I can’t say more. It’s classified. Either way, refusing to kill that kid revealed that there’s yet some humanity left in there. There’s not many your age that still holds onto your morals. To some extent.”

Anderson’s hands connected at the tabletop. “But you’re still a member of a gang. A criminal,” he continued. “I’m here to offer you an opportunity. A chance to redeem yourself.”

There was always a catch.

“Why the fuck do you bother?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Anderson simply said, centering him with an authoritarian look. “We don’t get to choose how we start in this life. Real greatness... is what you do with the life you’re dealt. There’s some humanity behind that cocky exterior, and whether you refuse to see it or not, it’s there. I have a feeling you’re going to do well in the Alliance. So what do you say?”

“What do _*I*_ get from this?”

“A place where you can feel safe from these gangs,” he replied. “I’ll push your records aside and we’ll see where this takes us. Offer still stands. Can we count on you?”

It was an opportunity.

He could live.

There was a moment of silence as Shepard’s jaw clenched. He ducked his head, fidgeted with the cup while leaning back in the seat. His fingers trimmed at the rim of it as if he had a song stuck in his head.

“Fine,” he muttered.

“Say again?”

He scowled again. “Yes, _sir.”_

“That’s better. You know where the headquarters are?” Shepard only gave him a slow nod in reply. “Good. We’ll see if you’ve got the guts for this job soon enough.”

Anderson pulled himself up from the chair and was about to go.

“John,” Shepard said, unable to stop himself.

Anderson stopped with a puzzled look. Shepard might’ve made the biggest mistake of his life but it was too late to back out now.

“My name. John Shepard,” he added.

“Well then, John, you came to your senses.”

“Don’t mistake my cooperation for trust... and fuck, don’t call me ‘kid.’ I turn 18 in three days.”

“Then get off your sorry ass and start acting like it.”

Normally, Shepard would _kick the ass_ of anyone that dared to speak to him like that, but Anderson seemed like a guy you didn’t mess with. Fuck, Shepard knew he would probably be knocked on his own ass if he tried, and he didn’t need his pride to be wounded in such a way.

“I see potential in you, son,” he continued. “Now it’s your turn to act upon it. You’ll thank me one day.”


	2. Biotic Reflex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Son-of-a...”_   
>  _\- Jeff ‘Joker’ Moreau_
> 
> In which our two leads meet.

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, a biotic at the age of 32, was flattered to be handpicked to serve aboard the _SSV Normandy SR-1._ The crew of the ship had lined themselves up in the comm-room after being introduced to the frigate that they would be serving on. She had impressive architecture with a really big drive core, being a huge ship and certainly an expensive project.

Captain David Anderson stood tall before them with hands clasped behind his back.

“All right, crew. Welcome aboard the _SSV Normandy,”_ he said. “I’m Captain David Anderson and in charge of this ship. Humans and turians collaborated on an engineering project co-sponsored by the Citadel Council to create her. She has the most advanced technology a frigate in the Alliance can offer with her very own stealth system. I personally requested the best to serve on this prototype. You have been handpicked by trustworthy sources because we know we can count on you to operate the _Normandy.”_

The comm-room door slid open and a young man entered with firm steps.

His attention obliviously wandered from Anderson to the door. He froze in the moment he lay eyes upon the stranger. Oxygen unexpectedly left his lungs and he felt like he has been punched in the gut.

Anderson smiled. “XO Shepard. Good to see you made it up here.”

This ‘Shepard’ gave Anderson a nod and lined himself up beside him before letting his hands connect behind his back. He stood in a tall erect posture with his chin slightly raised and a steady gaze, awaiting orders. Shepard was nothing like he had pictured (which was a grizzly old veteran) after having heard of his incredible feats via news vids that made him seem like some sort of god. He couldn’t be more than 30 years old.

He was 29, judging by the fact that he was 23 during the mission on Akuze, but the equation didn’t add up.

“Shepard here is our executive officer,” Anderson continued. “You might know his name or have seen him on a news vid already. He was the only survivor on Akuze after thresher maws wiped out his unit and managed to live through extreme survival situations, as well as physiological stresses, and physical torment. His capabilities did not go unnoticed, not by the Alliance. I trust the man with my life.”

The first thing he noticed when Shepard stepped into the room was his piercing blue eyes placed evenly apart.

The man’s eyebrows were dark and slightly curved, almost expressionless. He had the face of someone who had seen the war, but amazingly enough, had remained young in appearance. He had the basic dark military cut, a small scar quaintly placed at the left side on his hairline, high cheekbones, a five o’clock shadow, a strong jawline, full lips that preserved its masculinity, a narrow nose and a sculpted and unlined face. Shepard couldn’t be more than a mere inch taller than him. He was strong built, focused, handsome... he was definitely handsome.

Hell... he was _hot._

“Lieutenant?”

Kaidan didn’t realize he had been staring until it was too late. His attention settled at Anderson who seemed nothing but puzzled as unwavering stares focused entirely on him. He despised being in the center of attention, but hell, this was his own fault.

“Sorry, sir. Won’t happen again. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

_Well done, Kaidan. Great first impression._

“That’s okay, Alenko,” he heard a dark, modulated and masculine voice.

When he turned back to face Shepard, he immediately encountered an inviting warmth as he met the incredibly blue hue, seeming entirely out of this galaxy. When Shepard offered him a friendly, subtle smile, he felt his chest tightening beneath his civvies.

The XO held the glance for what felt like forever before he continued. “I get that a lot.”

It came as a relief that he didn’t appear insulted by his unprofessional reaction. Judging by the fact that he knew his name, he had already gone through their files, being dedicated. That was for sure.

Kaidan had to admit that he never expected to serve with the sole survivor of Akuze.

*

Their next mission would take place at the colony of Eden Prime. Captain Anderson, Admiral Hackett and Ambassador Udina had handpicked Shepard to be in charge of the operation. The mission was assigned the very same year the _Normandy_ received her crew, not giving much time to get to know each other before setting out, so they were almost strangers still.

Kaidan was seated in the black-leathered chair by the secondary controls of the _Normandy._

“The Arcturus Prime relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit,” the ship’s pilot -- Joker -- reported. “The board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in 3... 2... 1... Thrusters... check. Navigation... check. Eh, I guess it could be worse. Well done, Pres!” Joker turned to the navigator and only received a weary look in reply before Pressly turned on his heel and went back to work. “Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift... just under 1500 K.”

“1500 is good,” Nihlus -- a Council Spectre -- said. “Your captain will be pleased.”

The turian left the cockpit.

Joker sighed. “It’s always green and red. Why not _pink_ and _neon-blue?”_

Kaidan’s eyes rolled skyward. From the corner of his eye, he glimpsed Shepard lining himself up behind Joker’s chair where he let his hands connect behind his back in a military pose. Joker was almost too focused on flying the _Normandy_ to even realize that he was there. It was one hell of a story to how Joker ended up piloting the most advanced frigate the Alliance had.

Turned out that stealing a ship and putting her through her paces was enough to convince the higher-ups.

“Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him on board. Call me paranoid.” Joker leant in towards the controls as if he had spotted something on the radar that wasn’t supposed to be there.

“You’re paranoid,” Kaidan said.

The Alliance dealt with a lot of classified information. Classified information and few questions. It was one of the first regulations that they operated on a strictly need-to-know basis. He had to admit that it made little sense to send a Spectre when they were just supposed to test out the stealth system, but either way, he accepted the fact that he wasn’t obligated to know everything.

“They don’t send Spectres on shakedown runs, Alenko.” Shepard’s inquiry was an addition to Joker’s ego that he definitely didn’t need. “The Council’s got more important things to take care of.”

A shit-eating grin appeared on Joker’s face.

Ego increased.

“See that?” Joker asked. “So there’s more going on here than the Captain’s letting on -”

 _“Joker!”_ Anderson’s voice punctured him mid-sentence.

It looked like it gave Joker a heart attack as he snapped back in his seat and amazingly enough managed to plunge his thumb into the dashboard.

“Son-of-a...”

_“Status report.”_

Kaidan smirked and shot a glance towards Joker while he could tell the commander himself struggled with keeping a straight face. It didn’t take long before Anderson called for Shepard to meet him in the comm-room, so he pivoted on his heel and took off.

*

Shepard debriefed him and Corporal Jenkins before they reached the colony of Eden Prime.

It came to light that a research team had unearthed some kind of prothean beacon during an excavation. That was why Nihlus was there. He was also there to evaluate Shepard for the Spectres. The protheans were a superior race that mysteriously died out 50,000 years ago, so recovering such an artifact would prove most useful to find out about their history. The mission was to recover the beacon ASAP to be brought to the Citadel for proper study. They had picked up a ship on a video transmission that they had never seen the like of before and had to investigate.

The ground team -- Kaidan, Shepard and Jenkins -- were the strike team.

It seemed far too quiet after Shepard’s description of what he had seen on the vid, so he carefully watched all angles, ready for anything. However, two geth drones spawned and shot the corporal down in mere seconds. His eagerness to prove himself had cost him dearly.

This was the first time Shepard had lost a soldier after Akuze.

Kaidan could tell that Akuze weighted heavy on him. He could picture himself being caught off-guard by thresher maws, the smell and the adrenaline, he could picture being the only one able to survive through physiological stresses as the rest of his team had met a premature death. Shepard didn’t exactly know Corporal Richard L. Jenkins like he did, but a life was still a life, and he was definitely touched by it judging by the way he had gotten even quieter than usual. He didn’t think that was possible. Shepard had a permanent stoic demeanor that he couldn’t read.

The colony was surrounded by geth -- synthetic life forms created by the quarians that developed AI “Artificial Intelligence” after time and rebelled when they realized the quarians were going to disable them, making the situation far more precarious. They ran into Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams -- the only soldier left standing -- who joined them on their mission. Not only did Jenkins lose his life. They later found out that Nihlus had joined the same fate as he had been gunned down by another Spectre by the name of Saren.

Kaidan, Shepard and Williams proceeded to the cargo train surrounded by hostiles.

Seeing Shepard move up without a second thought and swiftly bringing down two geth snipers took him by surprise. Kaidan had seen a couple news vids, but he never would’ve believed how impressive Shepard was in the field if he hadn’t seen it firsthand. He was a damn charger, Kaidan halfway expecting him to go down almost immediately, so how he had managed to stay alive for so long was strange to him.

He shook off the thought.

The area appeared clear after a couple minutes. As they let down their guard, believing it was over, a geth destroyer appeared unexpected. It placed Shepard in a rather tricky position when it charged with a damn rocket launcher.

Kaidan’s eyes widened. “Shepard, look out!”

He immediately readied his biotics as if his own life depend on it. In a second, the geth destroyer was brought onto the ground. Shepard moved an arm in front of his eyes not to get blinded by the explosion. His surprised expression probably mirrored his thoughts. Kaidan had to be at least thirty feet away from the damned thing. He had acted on sudden impulse that he didn’t even realize he had.

Kaidan’s breathing was heavy as he had used far more energy than calculated. His implant had flared up and a headache was beginning to form. He caught Shepard’s eye as his hand joined the other on his assault rifle and was given a nod in thanks.

Heading forward with the cargo train, they took care of some explosive charges that the geth had planted. Not only was Shepard good in the field, he also knew how to dismantle them in seconds, only adding to his skillset. The beacon was huge and shared similarities with the wiring of the geth themselves when it showed itself on a platform before them.

Shepard turned away from the monument to scout for more geth with keen eyes and touched his transmitter.

“Roger that, _Normandy._ Standing by... and Joker -- get that damned drink away from the dashboard.” Shepard let his hand drop, and Kaidan nearly startled when realizing that he was being spoke to. “I’m not an expert on biotics, lieutenant -- but that back there on the cargo train... never seen anything like it.”

“I, ah... Thank you, Commander. Reflexes. Guess being a biotic pays off.”

Kaidan noticed how that might’ve sounded like an insult and could swear his own face turned into a new shade of red. Shepard was, after all, just a soldier with no biotic capabilities. He opened his mouth to correct himself until a small, and he could swear -- amused -- smirk tugged at the corners of Shepard’s lips. It was gone in the second it appeared. Kaidan cocked an eyebrow when seeing the sudden change in his expression, unable to recollect his thoughts before an arm wrapped around his waist so he was forced to turn with his body, carefully pushing through.

Everything went to hell after that.

Shepard had been knocked unconscious when saving Ashley from the beacon that had begun pulsing with an unfamiliar invisible force. After that, Kaidan had picked him up in a fireman-carry and brought him back to the ship. Williams could probably feel nothing but guilt and anger that Shepard had taken such a beating because of her. If she hadn’t approached the beacon, this would never have happened, but no one blamed her.

The beacon had exploded.

Williams pulled off her helmet in a slow movement. She carefully glanced at Shepard that had been placed at a med-bay gurney before them with guilt-ridden eyes. Shepard was still unconscious and it didn’t look like he was going to wake up anytime soon.

“He’s going to be fine, Williams. It’s Shepard, after all.” Kaidan took off his own headgear and glanced at Dr. Chakwas “...right?”

She nodded. “I’m sure he’ll pull through, lieutenant. It does not look severe,” she said, gently pulling off Shepard’s helmet.

Chakwas let her eyes search the room and frowned. “Where’s Jenkins?”

_As if Shepard being unconscious wasn’t bad enough._

“I’m sorry, Doctor. Jenkins... He didn’t make it,” Kaidan said.

The lines in Chakwas’ face retracted as well as Williams’, who had heard Kaidan’s report to the _Normandy,_ when she was still hunched over Shepard.

He didn’t need to say anything more.

“I see...” Chakwas wore a deadpan expression, and moved her attention back to Shepard. “You two should get comfortable until Anderson decides what to do next. He’s in good hands, I assure you.”

Kaidan gave him one last glance with a wavering look before he and Williams left the room, letting Chakwas do her job.

*

He and Williams retreated to the mess after changing to civilian clothes to get some food after such a hectic experience. Kaidan had yet to get over what happened down at Eden Prime and Williams was no different. She was pacing. The beacon had knocked Shepard out, but at the same time, it didn’t explain why it exploded.

“Can’t believe that just happened.” Her voice was low as she was halfway through the doorway to the mess, Kaidan close behind. “I mean, holy crap, I didn’t mean to activate the damned thing. I hope he’s all right. If he joins the rest of my squad in their fate, I’m shit out of luck.”

“Dr. Chakwas knows what she’s doing,” Kaidan said. “If she says he’ll pull through, he’ll pull through.”

Chakwas was a very dedicated doctor. She had been in the business for years and definitely knew what she was doing. Judging by the fact that Kaidan had to take medication himself for headaches and migraines -- thanks to his L2 implant -- he was more than willing to trust the doctor’s abilities. The _Normandy_ would feel rather empty without her motherly love and support.

Williams slumped into one of the chairs by the mess table. “What do you think it was that caused it to explode like that, Lt?”

“Can’t tell,” he replied, and snagged two beers. “Might’ve been a system overload or something. The protheans weren’t exactly a straightforward people, after what I’ve heard. It’s old tech. 50,000 years. Wouldn’t be too surprised if it was too foreign to understand. Too... old.”

She nodded. “I suppose that makes sense... Thanks,” she said, accepting the bottle handed to her and took a big swig of it.

Kaidan slid into one of the other chairs opposite her and took a sip himself. He leant back, hand resting at the tabletop. She moved the drink away from her full lips, seeming hesitant to bring up what she was about to.

“I assume Jenkins was part of your crew,” she added.

“Corporal Richard L. Jenkins, yeah. Captain Anderson sent us down there to secure the beacon, you know. Jenkins made a reckless move as we were getting into cover, was gunned down by two geth drones only minutes after arriving at the LZ. Didn’t take the mission serious enough as he was bound to prove himself. I can’t blame him, though. I understand if he wanted to impress Nihlus...”

He moved the bottle up to his mouth again “...and Shepard, for that matter.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, and peeled the etiquette from the bottle. “Losing someone under your own command... it’s difficult. You feel responsible. The commander was going through that before the beacon, wasn’t he? How did he take it?”

“He took it pretty hard, I guess. I mean, I haven’t really had the time to get to know him, so I can only judge by what I see. He seemed angry, more...” Kaidan began, and closed his eyes.

He moved two fingers to the bridge of his nose, remembering seeing the way his muscles tensed and looked like he was about to break something.

“...determined to succeed.”

He could tell she was studying his body language and literally felt like he was on display.

“You look a little under the weather, LT,” she said. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah... yeah, I’m good. Just a headache. Nothing major.”

“Looks like more than a slight headache.” He could swear her face lit up a bit as if she just realized something. “I saw you use biotics down at Eden Prime. You’re not by any chance an L2, are you?”

Kaidan let out a short breath as in the beginning of a laugh, being somewhat of a trademark.

“Guilty as charged,” he replied, revealing a sheepish smile.

Williams couldn’t help but smile back, smugly leaning back in her chair, pleased with herself for guessing correctly.

“I got migraines sometimes -- as I said, nothing major,” he added. “I’m lucky if you compare me with other biotics who suffer worse side effects like, you know -- small things such as insanity, but, yeah...”

She grinned. “You should probably go see the doctor, then.”

“I’ll drop by sometime later. Shepard’s the main focus now. Want Chakwas to be able to work in peace, so I’ll wait. Getting him up on his feet is more pressing at the moment than the start of a headache -”

Captain Anderson stepped into the mess, causing their eyes to extend, shooting up from their chairs and gave him a military salute.

“Captain Anderson, sir,” Williams said.

Anderson held up a hand. “At ease, soldiers,” he said, before his hands connected behind his back. “Corporal Jenkins and Nihlus is dead. Commander Shepard unconscious. I need to know exactly what happened down by the beacon. Leave no details. That’s an order. This was an important mission and there better be a damned good reason why it failed.”

He got the story as detailed as possible and made no attempt to hide the disappointment in his voice. Knowing that Saren most likely used that very same beacon had him worried. Saren needed to be stripped of his position at any cost. Ambassador Udina might not be the most pleasant politician out there, but this information had to be delivered to him without question. At once Shepard was up and walking, they’d head for the Citadel Embassies. Anderson offered Williams to be reassigned to the _Normandy_ that she seemed glad to accept.

Williams blinked. “Well... he took it better than I thought. I know he’s normally self-controlled, but I had expected him to at least raise his voice. Sheesh,” she muttered, resting a knitted fist at her hip. “I have to admit I didn’t expect to be reassigned.”

“Glad to have you with us, Williams. You’re a good soldier. We could definitely use your talents,” Kaidan said, and held out a hand.

Her handshake was firm.

She flashed a coy smile. “Whoa, lieutenant. Don’t go all sentimental on me now.”

That earned her a chuckle.

Kaidan dropped by the med-bay later. Chakwas had reassured them that Shepard was going to be all right, as there was no physical or mental damage. It was a relief.

Shepard was going to be fine.


	3. Regs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Does biotics have mind-control abilities?”_   
>  _\- John Shepard_
> 
> In which Shepard admits he knows absolutely nothing about biotics.

Shepard found himself lying back down on a gurney in the med-bay.

“Doctor? Doctor Chakwas?” A voice. Williams, sounded like. “I think he’s waking up.”

He managed to pry heavy lids open and blinked a couple times. His thoughts recollected as a flash of light nearly blinded him. There was a basic lamp directly above where he lay. He tried pulling his body up with weary movements and planted his feet on the ground. His body felt just as heavy as he sat. Part of him just wanted to slump back onto the bed and sleep it off. His hand reached for the head that was thumping like crazy.

Shepard felt like death itself and that was putting it mildly. His brain was a complete mess. He remembered that very feeling back in his teenage years when he participated in underage drinking and woke up with his first hangover. It wasn’t a good memory. Especially when he received the property-destruction bills the very day after. Worst thing, he remembered exceedingly little of the whole event. His friends weren’t exactly helpful around the matter, either. They were the ‘take pictures and laugh’ type of people.

Glancing over his shoulder, he could see Chakwas approach him. She slumped over with weary steps as if she had been on a twenty-four-hours-shift and was longing to get home.

“You had us worried there, Shepard,” she said. Her voice was caring. Soothing. “How are you feeling?”

He groaned. “Like the morning after shore leave. How long was I out?”

“About fifteen hours.”

It was well over halfway to a twenty-four-hours-shift. Dr. Karin Chakwas wasn’t known to give up on her patients easily and did everything in her power to help. She shared a special bond with Joker who had brittle-bone disease because she had treated him for a while and made sure he took his medication. If she didn’t pay close attention, Joker would just ignore it, seeing as he despised taking medication. It wasn’t exactly boosting his morale with the horrible taste needing flushed down with a ton of water to get the gist.

“Something happened down there with the beacon, I think,” Chakwas added, shaking her head.

Williams looked nervous as she was shifting behind him with crossed arms, a concerned expression shrouding her face. She had big, hopeful eyes for well measure. Williams looked like a kicked puppy and Shepard couldn’t help but feel bad for her. She apologized for what happened to him but Shepard reassured her that it wasn’t her fault. She seemed to appreciate his words by revealing a soft smile, a faint blush in her cheeks as her eyes fell to the floor, which had him puzzled as he arched a brow.

Chakwas snapped him from his thoughts.

“Physically, you’re doing fine. But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs often associated with intense dreaming.”

A heavy heel soon slammed into the room.

Shepard quickly straightened up and snapped a salute when Anderson approached. After inquiring that he needed to speak with Shepard in private, he shared some classified information about Saren, saying he had worked with him before. A Spectre that had gone rogue wasn’t good for business and he wanted to know if Shepard had seen anything.

“Just before I lost consciousness, I had some kind of vision. I saw synthetics. Geth, maybe. Slaughtering people...” he said, as his back encountered the not-so-comfortable gurney behind him.

Shepard’s glare settled at Anderson. “Butchering them.”

The information from the beacon could’ve been lost technology or blueprints for a dangerous weapon. In the wrong hands, that could prove severe consequences, which directed them to Ambassador Udina. He was a living example of grumpy politicians. The Ambassador had always rubbed him the wrong way, but he had little patience for politicians in general, as he hated politics.

When he exited the med-bay not long after, he conversed with Williams and welcomed her aboard the _Normandy._

“Dr. Chakwas.” He made her aware of his presence, and she almost jumped. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Chakwas let out a relieved sigh and held up a hand to let him know that it was all right. “I noticed Lieutenant Alenko was by the med-bay as I for a brief moment regained consciousness. Was he or Williams wounded on Eden Prime?”

“You have nothing to trouble yourself with, Commander. They’re both unharmed,” she reassureed him with clear enthusiasm. “Kaidan takes painkillers regularly because of his L2 implant.”

Shepard went narrow-eyed. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Well, most biotics now use the L3 implants,” she replied, and raised a finger to the back of her head. “Lt. Alenko was wired with the old L2 configuration. Sometimes there are complications. Severe mental disabilities, insanity, crippling physical pain... There’s a long list of horrific side effects. Kaidan’s lucky -- he just gets migraines.”

He had to admit that he found himself intrigued by biotics, but it could also be his interest in the biotic himself. He would’ve lied if he said that Alenko wasn’t attractive. He would do exceptionally well as a stripper or something if he went for it.

Realization carved into his mind, _He would surely be a favorite judging by his looks..._

“I see.” He was curious at the imagery, and received a puzzled look from Chakwas with no clue what just went through his mind. Probably for the best. “In that case. Thanks, Chakwas. I had no idea.”

“Are you all right, Commander?”

“Just great,” he lied, moving towards the stairs to the upper level. “Thanks, Doc!”

Eyes not focusing on the path before him, he managed to barge his hip into the edge of the mess table. He winced at the slight prickling pain that seeped up his leg when taking after a chair to remain standing. A strangled sound escaped Williams’ mouth as she covered it to hide the grin forming on her face. Chakwas took after her head.

“Easy there, Commander. You’ll might break something.”

He cleared his throat and straightened.

“Acknowledged, Williams.”

* * *

The Citadel was a massive station in scope where the Council held place. The sheer beauty surely was a welcome sight. It looked like an inside oasis with skycars roaming the open area with rich architecture. Of course, most of it was fake, but it did remind him of home. Of Earth. He realized in that very moment how much he missed it. All the way from the sunsets to the rainy days surpassed his mind. He missed the natural daylight. The synthetic headlights encompassing their path just wasn’t the same.

The Normandy docked at bay D422 without any complications.

Anderson brought Shepard, Alenko and Williams to the ambassador’s office, where Udina couldn’t resist bringing up Eden Prime and how they failed a simple mission. Throughout the entire conversation, Shepard was fighting the far too tempting urge to punch the ambassador in the face, but that would look bad on his résumé. He had better self-control than that as well.

They had no idea what they walked into but were all aware that the mission on Eden Prime was important.

His concerns were justified. The fact that it failed bothered Shepard just as much as it bothered the ambassador. When they exited the elevator leading to the Citadel Tower, he overheard a rather heated conversation between two turians, both in C-Sec. One of them was looking for evidence that would secure Saren being stopped. He wanted more time for the investigation but his boss Pallin, being the other turian, dismissed the request. When his superior walked away, his attention settled at the ground team.

“Commander Shepard?” he asked, but didn’t seem to need any form of confirmation. He introduced himself with a nod. “Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren.”

“Seems like you really want to bring him down. Bad blood?”

Vakarian folded his arms across his chest. “Saren has always rubbed me the wrong way. Cocky bastard is what he is. Apparently, he’s a raving lunatic, too. He’s giving us turians a bad name.”

“Yeah, I saw his handiwork on Eden Prime,” he replied. “Turians are known for their precision work, but instead of sniping Nihlus at an acceptable distance, he used a pistol. It’s insulting.”

He snorted. “I’m going to like you, Commander.”

“You bet.”

The hearing didn’t go as smoothly as he had hoped. They didn’t have enough evidence for the Council to strip Saren from his position. Not even a live witness that they encountered on Eden Prime was enough. During their investigation on the Citadel, they ran into several people willing to help with the mission. Tali’Zorah, a quarian tech-expert and Wrex, a krogan mercenary. Vakarian joined them as well. Tali had an audio file that held evidence about Saren going rogue and confirmed that Saren wasn’t working alone.

There was also a woman. Tevos confirmed that she went by the name of Benezia. The audio file also mentioned ‘The Conduit,’ uncertain what it was, and a name that Shepard could swear he had heard before.

The reapers.

The reapers were sentient machines that existed thousands of years ago and brought destruction upon the entire galaxy. Those creatures appeared in the vision on Eden Prime. Saren wanted to bring the reapers back and that was enough evidence for the Council to strip him from his position. The Councilors were however not convinced that the reapers were real, and because of this, they wanted to stay out of it. Sending their fleet into the Terminus System could trigger a war, so instead of doing that, they sent Shepard.

Tevos asked him to step forward to receive his new title of Spectre. Anderson turned to him with a proud smile and gave him a nod. Citizens in the Citadel Tower collected themselves around the Council.

“You are the First Human Spectre, Commander,” the asari Councilor said. “This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species.”

_Well... shit._

Anderson would step down as Captain of the _Normandy_ so that Shepard could take over for the mission. He brought Vakarian, Tali and Wrex along, who would surely prove useful.

They later set course for Artemis Tau to find a doctor named Liara T’Soni, being Benezia’s daughter.

* * *

“Wrex, Alenko -- you’re needed on ground team.” Shepard straightened his gauntlet as his fingers spread. “We have a doctor to find.”

Wrex pounded his hands hard together. “Finally, some action!” he called. Shepard tilted his head up with a half-smile, unsurprised by his reaction. “My shotgun is cold, pyjak. Let’s find something to kill.”

“Noted,” he replied, as they head towards the Mako. “Move out.”

When they arrived at Artemis, it was revealed that T’Soni wasn’t working for Benezia. They brought her to the _Normandy_ to help with the mission. Asari were a very intelligent species and could see the images that had been projected into Shepard at Eden Prime. T’Soni offered to see if she could make any sense of it. Shepard accepted. She called it ‘embracing eternity.’ However, the beacon was too damaged to understand.

Their next destination was a colony by the name of Feros, which had been attacked by the geth, but it would take time before they arrived.

Shepard decided to check up on the crew to see if they had any second thoughts. Wrex retreated to the mess to basically raid the kitchen, Vakarian was doing some ‘calibrations’ and Tali was asking Engineer Adams even more questions about the prototype ship that she was more than fascinated about. Shepard made sure that he had the chance to speak with everyone before they arrived at Noveria.

*

Kaidan saw Shepard calmly approaching him as he tapped on his omni-tool.

They hadn’t exactly spoken one-on-one before if you look away from their brief conversation at Eden Prime. It had to be important if Shepard would so casually approach him. The first thing that came to his mind was, _What did I do?_ It didn’t exactly help that he at the moment had the start of a headache to be occupied with.

“Shepard,” he said, eyes widening slightly while he straightened up -- a little too quickly -- because his head started to spin.

Kaidan flagged it off. “Anything you need, Commander?”

“I need you to relieve me from these reports,” he replied, leaning to the console. “I always get my ass handed to me when the politicians are around. Not to mention the damned lectures, reports and the need of control at every port. There’s surveillance everywhere at the Citadel. Hell, I always feel like I’m being watched. Don’t assume you can use those biotics of yours on the politicians?”

“I’m afraid not, sir. That’s against the regs.”

He frowned deeply. “Damn... and here I thought my life could become a lot easier. Managed to get my hands on one of the cameras during shore leave, though. See, right here.”

Shepard edged closer to him, giving a good view of the omni-tool and heedlessly bumped a shoulder into his because of it. It was an unexpected but not unwelcoming gesture. Kaidan let his hand wander across his face until it hovered over his mouth, blinked owlishly, cocking a brow and folded his arms across his chest. He leant his back to the concrete as well as Shepard and grinned at the vid that showed the owner of Flux, Doran the volus, dancing. Shepard once again nudged a shoulder into him as if trying to activate a mechanism.

“Does biotics have mind-control abilities?” he added.

“Rare few. That’s also against the regs.”

“Shame... Always wanted to see a dancing turian Councilor.”

Kaidan obliviously avoided the fact that Shepard stood less than two feet away from him. He didn’t mind one bit, proving curious, as he didn’t really let people get this close to him. It was different with Shepard somehow. There was something about him. Kaidan had a tendency to assume that Shepard had more important things to do in his spare time than speak with him, but Shepard didn’t seem to appreciate that thought-process, because he appeared to care for his whole team. He always checked up on the crew and was willing to talk if they needed to.

His eyes were back to the omni-tool when he noticed a certain report on the side of the video.

“Speaking of politics... Were you planning on sending that in?”

“Yeah... no,” Shepard hesitated. “Was about to. Wrote that in a bad mood. Decided to give it another look before Hackett got his hands on it. As you can see, most of this doesn’t even sound like words.”

> **ARCTURUS STATION**  
>  **_SSV NORMANDY SR-1_**  
>  **Office of the Commanding Officer**  
>  **SUBJECT:** Mission report on Artemis Tau, 2183  
>  **TO:** ADMIRAL HACKETT, Fifth Fleet.
> 
> 1\. The following information is submitted concerning mission of the _SSV Normandy SR-1,_ 2183  
>  a. Shore party stationed at Artemis Tau in search for Doctor Liara T’Soni, daughter of Matriarch Benezia.  
>  b. Sightings of geth are at significantly smaller -- situation seems to be improving.  
>  c. T’Soni proves to be on our side.  
>  d. Met a krogan mercenary in pursuit of the doctor.  
>  e. Mercenary eliminated.  
>  f. Geth threat eliminated.  
>  g. Tricky escape as prothean ruin collapsed.  
>  h. No casualties.  
>  i. Met up with _Normandy_ at drop point.
> 
> **PS:** The beds ain’t improving either, jackasses! How am I supposed to have my team at 100 percent when they’re sleeping in fucking pods, for fuck’s sake! Get your shit together!

“Yeah, try to replace ‘ain’t’ with ‘are not’ in the first sentence, and drop ‘jackasses.’ And less swearing in the penultimate sentence.”

Shepard looked stunned. _“Penultimate?_ For god’s sake, Alenko. Speak English,” he replied, the deadpan expression still on his face. “I can pretend the beacon indoctrinated me and start writing reports in prothean. Maybe that’ll get ‘em off my back.”

Kaidan chortled, but stopped himself halfway, clearing his throat.

Laughing didn’t exactly help with his current condition. A small smile tugged at Shepard’s mouth -- almost mischievous -- and shut the omni-tool off. Kaidan felt his muscles begin to relax, couldn’t help but return one, trying to avoid the hammering in his head.

His CO sure had an amazing smile shown far too rarely.

This was a side of Shepard that he’d never seen. Once again, he had a completely different image on who Shepard truly was, and he had to admit he liked what he was seeing. The man was funny. Most commanders had ‘a stick up their ass’ if you use that saying. Yet, here he was, joking around in the company of his lieutenant and even stealing surveillance footage just for the heck of it. Shepard was a completely different person when they weren’t in the field. It was amazing how quickly he could go from ‘commander’ to ‘civilian.’

Either way, he was his commanding officer, and Kaidan treated him as such. At the same time, he knew there had to be another reason for why he decided to approach him in the first place.

The two exchanged looks and a small smile, but didn’t hold it for more than a few seconds, as Shepard looked away.

“We spoke at Eden Prime, but never managed to finish the conversation.”

He knew exactly where he was going.

“Commander -”

“I have eyes, lieutenant,” Shepard said, folding his arms across his chest. “I’ve noticed you take after your temples once in a while. Chakwas told me you were an L2 and that there are complications along with it. She also told me you were lucky not to suffer worse side effects. Making sure my crew’s content is just as important as stopping Saren, so don’t sell yourself short. I need you all at 100 percent through this.”

Of course it had to be about the L2 implant.

“Sorry, sir, but I’m fit for duty. You don’t have to worry about it jeopardizing the mission,” he replied, but his lids suddenly felt heavy.

Eyes forced tightly shut for a moment. When he opened them again, Shepard could easily tell that he was about to have another one, pupils not focusing on any specific point. He almost felt like he was about to pass out, but snapped back.

“I won’t let you down,” he added.

“Alenko.”

Kaidan softly exhaled and accepted the fact that he was caught red-handed. He might’ve had some kind of experience, seeing the signs of a migraine, but he was a tough man to read. Shepard rarely showed emotions, not entirely up to the point of ‘keeping his tough-guy image,’ but definitely close. Kaidan was convinced that he acted like that to hold onto the unwavering respect that he had gained in his life.

Releasing his arms, Shepard stepped forward. “Here, let me try something.”

“Commander, you don’t have to -”

“I know. I want to.”

His expression mellowed at what felt like true sincerity. His body went rigid when he felt Shepard’s fingers softly brush against his skin with a warm, comforting touch, much to his confusion that his body would react in such a way. Shepard moved his hands to each side of his face, thumbs resting at his temples, and Kaidan was flummoxed by the way his eyes pierced into his own.


	4. Virmire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Commander... what kind of girl do you think I am?”_   
>  _\- Ashley Williams_
> 
> In which a decision is made.

“Teamwork’s important, lieutenant. Cooperate. Migraine or headache?”

Kaidan wasn’t very fond of that people fussed over him, but Shepard... Shepard could fuss over him. A little. He was his CO, after all. Either way, he seemed to know what he was doing.

Expelling his breath in a whose, Kaidan said, “Just a headache. How do you know about this stuff, anyways?”

“Had a friend back on Earth, Ace, who used to have headaches during the time I was with the Tenth -”

He noticed how quickly he cut himself off and frowned in hope that would trigger something. Shepard managed to be both restricted and open at the same time. It was as if he held himself back when realizing that he had said too much for his own comfort. Maybe he had a tendency to more than occasionally slip up. It was also a possibility that Kaidan emitted that kind of aura of trust.

He would like to think he did.

Shepard’s features hardened. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I made a few bad calls back then. Shitload of bad decisions. If the Alliance were aware of them all, I’m not sure if I would be entrusted this mission. Not going into details, but I did warn them, so there’s that. Akuze was apparently enough to dust that part off the records and assign me to the _Normandy.”_

He was curious to what he meant but figured that he couldn’t get anything out of him, as it seemed to be a sore topic. He decided to leave it be and asked about something else.

“He was an L2?”

Shepard seemed surprised by his slight change of facial expression.

“Ace? No, he just had headaches. If he was a biotic, I wouldn’t be that damned clueless about the subject myself. Wish I knew more about you. It was a big step for humanity to develop implants like that. You’re interesting, Alenko.”

_Wait, ‘interesting?’ ‘Biotics’ are interesting. Not ‘you.’_

He couldn’t blame him for slipping up. Everyone were allowed to make mistakes. Even Shepard. He had to be exhausted. Wasting so much time and effort on a soldier’s headaches came far down the list of worries when he should start thinking about himself. Take a breather for once. A lot was resting on Shepard’s shoulders, but he was selfless, and it was obvious that the condition of his crew mattered to him.

He found himself respecting the man even more than he already did.

“It obviously bothered him, so I did some research to figure out how to prevent them. The headaches,” Shepard added, pressing lightly against his grey-shot temple. “Found a few tricks to make the pain go away. A little. At least it was supposed to take the pain away.” He frowned. “Hell, I might be doing it wrong. I didn’t make it worse, right?”

Dropping the, _“Shepard seemed to know what he was doing...”_

Kaidan blinked. “No, but that’s, ah... that’s not very comforting, Commander.”

Ignoring his hesitation, Shepard said, “I was really damned talkative back when the galaxy wasn’t in balance, too. Maybe that’s the reason for his headaches. Poor guy got the worst of it.”

“Sorry, I... I kinda have trouble picturing that -”

He interrupted himself, forced to tightly close his eyes, holding back a small moan when Shepard reached a spot that felt straight up amazing. Shepard was far from talkative. He hadn’t known his CO before he was assigned to the Normandy, so Kaidan was aware that he wasn’t exactly qualified to judge such things, although Shepard most likely knew far more about him than he ever could imagine.

The war could change a whole person almost without effort. It was clear that the exact thing had happened to Shepard, even though he was as shielded as he was, making him realize that they had a lot in common.

Shielding and integrity.

“Hey, it’s true. I had some troubles back then. I’m fortunate to have had him there to help me through it,” Shepard replied, and the hardening of his expression was barely noticeable. “You remind me of him in a way.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but suspect that this ‘Ace’ guy was more than a friend.

“Because of the headaches?” he asked with a coy smile, seeing another smile tugging at the corners of his OC’s mouth.

Kaidan took a moment to study his CO’s now relaxed face. “You should do that more often.”

He was cocked a brow at as if Shepard had read something entirely wrong about him.

“What? Fuss over you?”

“No -- smile. It suits you.” With that, Shepard tilted his head to meet his eye “...Commander.”

He had added his CO’s title in hope to sound more professional, but it made it even worse, and he immediately regretted opening his mouth. He could swear it was the longest second of his life as the two were just staring at each other for a brief moment.

Shepard cleared his throat. “How’s the headache?” he asked, letting his hands drop.

Kaidan hadn’t even noticed that it was completely gone until now.

“My god... How did you -?”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’ then.” Shepard actually sounded amused, crossing his arms again and leaning back.

Kaidan could easily feel the heat between them falter, and in some sense, he missed it.

“Ever feel like a headache’s approaching -- just ask me -- and the painkillers won’t run out so easily,” Shepard added. “Chakwas had almost run out of supply, last I checked. We need to make a stop at the Citadel soon.”

“I don’t... want to have you do that, Commander. Don’t want to distract you too much. You have a lot of things on your mind.”

“You’re not distracting me, lieutenant. Not in that way.”

_Not... ‘that’ way?_

“If I don’t interact with my crew, being in command will go to my head,” Shepard added. “I have to preserve some humanity as I act like a mindless husk. You need my professional surveillance. Just being honest.”

“Or maybe you’re ‘just being an ass’ -” he said, but froze.

_Did I just say that aloud?_

“Alenko,” Shepard began, leaning in -- a faint whiff of his aftershave hit his nostrils and made him lightheaded -- the distance between them having considerably decreased.

“...did you just call your CO an ass?”

_There goes my career._

He cleared his throat. “Yes, sir.”

Shepard wore a deadpan expression that he didn’t know what to make of. He watched in anticipation as blue eyes fell to the small scar quaintly placed at his lower lip, now inches away, where they lingered. He probably wondered how he got it. Shepard traced his face back up. He was surprised by himself at that point, but just as he was about to apologize, Shepard smirked.

“Fair enough,” he replied, seeming impressed. “Down on the floor and give me twenty, lieutenant.”

Chortling, he looked away as relief coursed through his veins. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to take it to heart. He had already pulled his strings, so hell, he wasn’t going to make it any worse.

Kaidan gently pushed his body away from the concrete to do his commander’s bidding like some sort of wordless apology. At the eighteenth push-up, Shepard was being an ass that he apparently often was personally, placing himself on his back to complicate things. Twenty push-ups was apparently not punishment enough. There was no denying the muscle-mass atop of him.

“My god...” he breathed startled.

“C’mon, Alenko. This ain’t yoga class. Keep up!”

“Agh... you’ve got the most... interesting view on things.”

“Yeah, I got a pretty spectacular view of your ass at the moment. I’m impressed. Do you do squats?”

Judging by the fact that his eyes seemed to linger for a bit, he appeared genuine. Kaidan felt his cheeks flush warm. Shepard squared an ankle over one knee, and he could tell his expression was still deadpan just by his tone.

Grunting, Kaidan asked, “Seriously?”

“C’mon, you’re not even trying! Fifteen more.”

“H -hey, I’ve done twenty already!”

“Make that thirty-five. Stop whining.”

He grunted again, loud enough for Shepard to take to heart just how much he hated him in that particular moment. When he was finally done, he nearly collapsed onto his abdomen. It sure as hell would be a pain on his muscles in the morning. If he was lucky, he wouldn’t need to go through twelve ice bags just to keep himself upraised.

Shepard pulled off of him. “As you were, Alenko.”

Kaidan didn’t waste another moment to roll onto his back with heavy lids shut.

“One might think you’re abusing your authority.”

“This is just the beginning, LT. I’m going to make your life a living hell.”

Kaidan exhaled and opened his eyes.

That was one way to learn not to back-talk your commander. It just happened, being uncharacteristic, but the mention of his migraines always agitated him. Kaidan was well-aware that the majority of people would stamp him as ‘incapable’ because of them, angering him to no end, as his migraines rarely interfered with the missions.

He knew the signs, so hell, he just had to stay back at the ship when he felt one surfacing.

Kaidan wasn’t very fond of the idea to stand up again, but when Shepard held out a hand, he hesitated. He almost resisted taking it, not wanting to add to his ego, but eventually allowed him to pull him up. The force used to get him back onto his feet was something else entirely. He wobbled when he stood and literally launched into him. Judging by Shepard’s subtle smirk, that was the plan, and he couldn’t help but somewhat carefully return the gesture. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Shepard was a laid-back guy.

“Williams, just in time!” Shepard called as he pulled away.

He looked over his shoulder to see the gunnery chief stepping into the room with a curious look on her face.

“Help the lieutenant with some yoga,” Shepard added.

“Yeah, no,” she mouthed. “You’re _not_ getting me in yoga pants, Commander.”

“One can hope,” he replied, and began moving towards the CIC. “He’s fragile, so go easy on him.”

_Look who’s talking._

Kaidan made a displeased sound straightening up. The amusement on Ashley’s face was far too easy to see when she turned to him with a mischievous smirk and a clear one-liner.

When she opened her mouth, he held up a hand.

“Don’t.”

“What?” she asked, and innocently bumped into him. “Not my fault it oozes sexual tension between you two...”

Kaidan snorted. “Yeah, that’s funny.”

*

About one hour after his conversation in the mess, Shepard had just discussed firepower and their choice of firearms with Garrus. They had received a shipment of the Kassa Fabrication license. Garrus had been monitoring if they were as good as they said and he had just received his report. Ashley approached him when he was on his way to the elevator and head down. He had earlier spoken to her about Eden Prime where she mentioned how she blamed herself for it. She had more on her heart.

After everything they’d been through together, they’d become familiar enough with each other for Shepard to call her Ash.

“Sir. Permission to speak freely, sir.”

“Granted. What’s wrong, Ash?”

Ashley was without doubt an Alliance soldier to the core. She knew respect and she knew her limits, but he wasn’t very fond of the fact that everyone aboard the _Normandy_ addressed him in such a formal way. They had been working together for a few weeks now. ‘Shepard’ worked just fine. ‘John’ would be a little too odd. It felt more intimate that way. Only Ace called him ‘John.’ Granted, he wasn’t around anymore. That was a memory he would rather not think too much about.

“Nothing’s wrong, not really...” she muttered, lowering her guard. “I know it’s not my place, but I heard about Corporal Jenkins, down at Eden Prime. I’ve seen soldiers die before, and it never gets any easier. You were the sole survivor after the mission on Akuze. I can’t even begin to imagine how many people died down there. I’d be a complete wreck. I... wanted to know how you deal with it.”

He had little interest in speaking about Akuze, but he’d bite.

“It’s not easy. I vowed not to let it happen again. There’s no use dwelling on the past. The way to make it up for them is to win this war, let them know their sacrifice wasn’t in vain.”

Akuze was a bad memory and Shepard was a rather shielded man. He couldn’t allow himself to appear weak if he was to be a commander that so many people relied on. At the same time, that ‘shielding’ could destroy him one day, not letting people get too close.

She sighed. “You’re right, Commander. Okay, I’ll... I’ll make sure not to disappoint them. After all that’s happening down here, I’m glad that they’re up there -- a better place.”

“They’re looking out for us. And we’re going to win this war. Even if I die in the process.”

Shepard wasn’t exactly a Christian man, but hell, he wasn’t against the idea of something being up there. In Ashley’s words, _“How can you look out at this galaxy and not believe in something?”_

She revealed a soft smile. “Glad to hear we’re on the same page. I’m impressed, Skipper.”

“‘Skipper,’ huh? This is a trap, isn’t it?”

He hadn’t forgotten the time when Ashley let it slip at the Citadel that she was interested in her commanding officer. There was no doubt that Kaidan felt uncomfortable, like everyone would, being present at the time. He had quickly added, _“That’ll be enough, Chief,”_ for them to continue moving. Her own words, _“If you expect to get me in a tinfoil miniskirt and thigh-high boots, I want dinner first. Sir.”_

Her puppy eyes were back in place. “Commander... what kind of girl do you think I am?”

“One that could kick my ass if I tried something,” he replied, well-aware of her service record. “I’m hurt. You’re an extraordinary woman, Ash. Throwing me around like an information drone won’t change that.”

“Good answer.”

* * *

Upon further investigation in Feros, it appeared that the ExoGeni facility kept some sort of creature for in-depth study, being called a Thorian. The Thorian shared similarities to the reapers as they both had mind-controlling abilities, and had taught Saren to think like a prothean, thanks to something called ‘The Cipher.’ The vision he’d seen on Eden Prime became clearer.

They had to find another beacon to make sense of it.

When they returned to the _Normandy,_ T’Soni once again saw the images, trying to make sense of them. They found out that the reapers had been wiped out by the protheans and that the beacons were warnings of their return.

The Council contacted the ship, explaining that they had placed several infiltration units throughout the border regions of Citadel space, whereas one of these units were gathering intel on Saren. They had lost contact on the planet Virmire. Reaching the planet, it came to their attention that Saren had set up a research facility, crawling with geth and defenses. Having discovered a cure for the genophage, a genetic mutation making thousands of krogans die in stillbirth, he wanted to breed an army of krogan and use them as slaves.

Their mission was to destroy the base before his plan came to fruition.

Because the facility was too well-fortified to drop a nuke from orbit, they had to place the bomb at a precise location, splitting their teams in two. One of them would take out the AA guns by the tower while the other would go in on foot. Kirrahe needed one of Shepard’s crew to join him to take out the AA guns, in which Kaidan volunteered, but Ashley insisted she would do it.

Shepard turned to the two before they parted ways.

“It doesn’t matter if we’re not in the same unit, we’re still a team,” he said, eyes once wandering between the two. “Watch each other’s backs, keep your eyes open and fight like I know you can. We’ll all come out of this in one piece.”

Ashley smiled. “You bet, Commander.”

Shepard brought T’Soni and Wrex along for the first push while Kaidan prepared the bomb. It appeared that Saren was studying indoctrination and was using it to control people. They also found another beacon that he willingly activated. The hologram of a huge aircraft appeared in the center of the room. It spoke disembodied in a menacing tone.

 _“You are not Saren.”_ The sound of the hologram was eerie, almost an echo, channeling the bowels. _“Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding. There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!”_ A live reaper. The reapers were harvesting organic life. _“We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it.”_

When the reaper finished speaking, the glass windows of the facility shattered into a million fragments, as if an invisible force had pulled through and awaited their approach. The ship was headed their direction so they had to get to the rendezvous point.

They later got news that Ashley and her team was pinned down by the AA tower and needed assistance. The objective of getting there wouldn’t be simple. Several reinforcements had arrived at the location between them so they had to battle their way through. The amount of geth were far too many to count as the whole planet was infested with the synthetic lifeforms, but they had no other choice.

Wrex’s eyes followed another geth ship that was descending. “Damn. Geth are sending in reinforcements.”

 _“Heads up, L-T,”_ Ashley said, and Shepard barged into a halt to get an update. He moved his hand to the transmitter to hear her more clearly. _“We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location.”_

Shepard glanced over at the geth ship. “Kaidan, can you hold them off?”

The geth swarmed them like moths to a flame. They knew the risks but they had a mission to complete. The krogans were far too superior fighters to get on their bad side, so if Saren succeeded, they had already lost. There was no way that they could secure the bomb not being damaged until they arrived so they had to act fast or this would all be for nothing.

 _“There’s too many. I don’t think we can survive until you get here,”_ Kaidan said. _“I’m activating the bomb.”_

“Dammit, Alenko! What are you _doing?”_

 _“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.”_ Kaidan was going to sacrifice himself for this. Shepard opened his mouth, but didn’t have the time to inquire. _“It’s done, Commander. Go get Ash and get the hell out of here.”_

 _“Sc -screw that, we can handle ourselves!”_ She had such confidence that it would be foolish not to believe her. _“Go back and get Kaidan!”_

Shepard couldn’t believe he had to make a decision such as this. His brows tightened, leaning against the banister before him with a heavy head. Sacrifice one for the many. It was the toughest choice he would ever face. He tried to think strategically to see if he was able to save them both. Kaidan was closest to the bomb. If he could get to him first, he might’ve been able to reach Ashley. The situation was far too delicate for him to be certain. Few held a clear head at a time like this. One thing was clear. Kaidan would die if he didn’t get to him first.

He had lost soldiers under his command before but this was different. The _Normandy_ was the closest thing he had to a family now. Both of his parents were either dead or too blind to care. Deep down, he knew it was one or the other.

Ashley Williams or Kaidan Alenko.

*

_This is it -- this is my last stand -- I’m sure as hell going to make it count._

Kaidan knew how close Shepard and Ash were. It was obvious. It went all the way from their regular talks to the subtle flirting that he had been witness to more than a few times. Of course, Shepard flirted with everyone -- even him -- but with Ashley, it seemed genuine. To his observation. He gave it all he had as he was pinned down by the geth. It was definitely not a bad way to go. He had raised to the rank of lieutenant and that wasn’t something everyone were able to accomplish. He’d gladly sacrifice himself for a greater cause.

_“Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”_

His eyes snapped open.

_What?_

He couldn’t believe what he just heard at the other end of the transmitter.

“Y -Yes, Commander,” he tried. “I -I...”

 _“You know it’s the right choice, LT!”_ Ashley said.

After a moment of silence, Shepard spoke. _“I’m sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice.”_

 _“Hey, there. Now you stop it. I understand, Skipper,”_ she replied, and he could the smile on her face. _“I don’t regret a thing. Go kick some indoctrinated turian ass for me.”_

The transmission ended.

*

Shepard flinched before they got into cover when they approached the bombsite. Geth were all over the place and Kaidan was wounded during the previous wave. When it calmed down, Saren entered the zone on a hover board, chasing Shepard behind some concrete to avoid being hit. He’d expected it to break out in a firefight, but instead, Saren wanted to talk. He was convinced that the reapers would keep organics alive if they worked together and that Sovereign needed his help to find the Conduit. He was indoctrinated. That much was certain.

The firefight came after, and Shepard was briefly rendered immobile, which allowed Saren to escape.

Leaning up against the nuke, Kaidan cradled a wound below his chest. When he looked up, Shepard saw the drainage in his whiskey-brown eyes, the plain weariness. He reached out a hand, in which he didn’t hesitate to take, before Shepard pulled him back to his feet. Kaidan wobbled as he stood, so he allowed him to lean on him.

“Kaidan, can you walk?” he asked, but didn’t give him a chance to reply.

They had far too little time until the nuke was set off.

The ship tread into the zone meters above their heads.

“Just in time, Joker. Ground team, move!” Shepard called.

He lifted Kaidan up in a fireman-carry, moving his attention to the _Normandy_ as she descended before them, setting out the ramp. Shepard ordered the others on the ground team to go first before following. The ship ascended at once they were aboard. The blast radius was almost big enough to reach them, but thanks to Joker, they got out just in time with FTL-speed. This would give Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, who evaluated the _Normandy_ to be a waste of credits, something to think about.

The mission was a success.

At the steep cost of a squad-member and friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** _"Death closes all, but something ere the end. Some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with Gods." - 'Ulysses,' Tennyson_


	5. Downtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Just... admiring the view.”_   
>  _\- John Shepard_
> 
> In which Shepard hangs up on the Council (never gets old!)

The crew had collected themselves in the comm-room for a debriefing.

It felt strangely empty not to see Ashley sit beside Kaidan after all this time. They didn’t have the time to get to know each other inside-out, but in such a short period of time, it was amazing how close they had become. She was easy to get along with. You knew you could trust her with your life. In their line of work, that was an important addition.

“I... I can’t believe Ash didn’t make it,” Kaidan said, leaning forward in his chair. “How could we just _leave her_ down there?”

Kaidan’s tone was almost hostile.

“Williams knew the risks going in,” he replied, the accusation having angered him. “She gave her life to save the rest of us.”

“But why me? Hell... Why not _her?”_

“It wasn’t your call, Alenko,” he said sternly, straightening as he moved his attention back to him. “I couldn’t save you both, because believe me, I tried. I had to choose. I chose you.”

“But if I’d done my job, you wouldn’t have had to make that call,” Kaidan nearly snapped.

Shepard pinned him with a glare. “Ash’s death wasn’t _your_ fault, lieutenant,” he said, locking his jaw tight. “It wasn’t _my_ fault. The only one to blame here is Saren.”

“Yes, sir. I’m -” he tried, sounding like he’d immediately regretted his remark. “We’ll get it done.”

“Commander?” Liara’s voice was careful and small, and he was thankful she had intervened. “Excuse me for interrupting. But I have an idea. I think the beacon you found in Saren’s base was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime. It may have filled the missing pieces of your vision. I might be able to help you put all those pieces together.”

Shepard sighed. “You want to join our minds again, don’t you?” he asked, pulling himself up from his chair. “Okay. Go ahead.”

Again, they ‘embraced eternity,’ and she was startled by what she saw. Liara explained that the vision was a distress call sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers that came too late. She recognized the location seen in the images as a planet called Ilos. The Conduit was there. The Mu Relay was the only way to get to Ilos, and Saren was already headed there, so it all made sense.

Ilos was inside the Terminus Systems.

 _“Commander, there’s a comm buoy nearby,”_ Joker reported over the comm-link, as the others were dismissed. _“I can link us in if you want to report back to the Citadel Council. You know, to warn them about Sovereign.”_

“Set the link up, Joker. They need to know.”

Even if the Council weren’t exactly cooperative around the matter of the reapers, and Sovereign, that didn’t mean that they should be kept in the dark. As Councilors, they should expect everything to pop up and be at least considerate about it, not dismiss what could turn out to be true.

 _“I hope you don’t plan to cut us off like last time, Commander,”_ Tevos warned. _“What you discovered on Virmire is too important.”_

Sparatus broke in. _“Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan serving under him.”_

“Sovereign is the real problem here,” Shepard replied. “The reapers wiped out the protheans. We’re next.”

 _“Yes, we saw mention of this on your report,”_ Valern inquired. _“Sovereign. A sentient machine. A true artificial intelligence. The news is quite alarming... if it turns out to be accurate.”_

Shepard scoffed. “Sovereign’s real. The reapers are real. Saren even admitted it!”

 _“He’s playing you Shepard!”_ Sparatus called. _“Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones talking about your vision. And the reapers.”_

Valern took the word. _“It’s highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance. Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information.”_

“Aww,” Shepard muttered. “Looks like we lost the signal, Joker.”

Joker snorted. _“Understood, Commander.”_

*

Before heading to the Council personally, they had to drop off the remaining soldiers in Kirrahe’s team, as a few of them had survived.

“I’m sorry about Ash, Shepard,” Garrus said, and although it was difficult to tell, Shepard could swear his expression was drained. “I’ve seen her in the field. She was one hell of a soldier, and that is not something I say lightly, my friend. I know you two were close. You always choose the best company. We were fortunate to have had her with us through all this.”

“Yeah... thanks. We sure were.”

He gave him a nod. “Then let’s make sure we don’t disappoint her,” he replied, and hesitated. “I... wanted to speak to Tali, but I’m not very good at talking about... stuff like that. Emotional things. You tell me to shoot a gun, I’ll shoot a gun, and with style at that, but this... is not my area of expertise. She is rather shaken up. After all, they were like sisters. You’re better at this than I am.”

“I’ll make sure to speak with her.”

“I appreciate it. There is one more thing, though.” Garrus paused, and softly inhaled. “I wanted to thank you for taking me with you and letting me be part of the team. I’ve learned a lot though all of it. My mind has focused on what you’ve told me. About ends not justifying the means. About finding the best way through and not just the fastest.”

Garrus had plans to return to C-Sec after what Shepard had taught him while aboard the _Normandy._ He would also reapply for Spectre training. The sniper had earlier been a candidate among other turians.

“I’m glad to hear that, Garrus. Keep up the good work.”

Before Ambassador Udina called on them to report to the Councilors, who were preparing a fleet to deal with Saren, Shepard made sure he spoke to Kaidan about what transpired down at Virmire. They both felt guilty over what happened. Shepard made the decision and Kaidan followed his order. It affected them far more than the other crewmembers as it made them far more involved. The crew had collected themselves in the mess hall but Kaidan was nowhere to be seen. Shepard however finally found him in the storage section of the ship.

*

The biotics formed an aura around Kaidan who seemed to be doing some kind of target practice. Shepard had never truly studied the biotic himself when he had been in the field. Only its effects. He was impressive in the field. Shepard folded his arms across his chest and leant to the wall beside the elevator. Approaching him might not be the best idea. Kaidan didn’t seem to be thinking clearly and he didn’t want to startle him. He was without doubt trying to cope with Ashley’s death his own way.

Shepard met his eyes in the reflection of the Mako’s gun that Garrus usually calibrated.

Whiskey-brown eyes widened, and Kaidan spiraled around in an instant. The biotics were still flaring around him but was about to falter. Seeing him clearly this time made Shepard notice how the blue energy danced around him like a centered but yet graceful and focused mix between a sun and a storm. The blue seemed to contrast his looks. His curves. His eyes. He felt drunk just by looking at him. The good kind of drunk.

“Shepard? I didn’t see you there. Did you need anything?”

He noticed that Kaidan’s breathing was heavier. Even. The biotics calmed around him again and the blue energy mended into nothing. It was as if he was pushing himself towards his limits in hope to shove whatever guilt was buried within him further down into the dirt. His muscles slacked but he could tell he needed a moment to control his breathing.

“Just... admiring the view,” he replied.

The hint of tease was enough for Kaidan to snort, probably trying to laugh, but awkwardly cleared his throat instead because of the lack of air. He let his hands drop to his hips.

“You caught me at a disadvantage. I would’ve been more, ah... ‘elegant...’ if I knew you’d come up here.”

“You’d be surprised... I like it rough.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, revealing a soft smile as he wiped the slight sweat from his brow. Shepard felt a small smile tug at his lips. Their battlefield-flirting had become a common thing these days. He pushed himself gently away from the wall and released his arms, ready to steer the conversation towards the more unpleasant matter at hand. It looked like the thought lingered in Kaidan’s mind for a few seconds when Shepard approached him. If he wasn’t imagining things, which he definitely did, he could swear Kaidan was eyeing him up.

“Hmm...” he uttered, smirking. “Good to know, Shepard.”

It was murmured in a way that made Shepard’s chest tighten. Having a thing for a straight man wasn’t new to him. Still, it didn’t help that no one else had made him pine as much as Kaidan did, knowing there was no chance they’d end up together. Kaidan had mentioned a woman named Rahna in one of their talks, being someone he had a crush on back when he was fifteen, and that was proof enough. He hadn’t shown or spoken of any interest in men, at least, having earlier also mentioned his opinion of Liara being ‘art-appreciative.’

She was mono-gendered, sure, but her species were all females.

Kaidan’s smile faltered. “Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline,” he added, breaking him from his daydreaming.

Their discussion in the comm-room wasn’t a big deal so there was no need to hold a grudge.

“I understand. I don’t like losing people either.”

“I’ve served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway,” Kaidan said. “If you don’t mind my asking, how do you deal with the losses back on Akuze?”

Akuze surprised Shepard himself. How much it affected him. How he was able to live past it. The memories still haunted him as it carried a heavy burden he was forced to bear. Deal with for the rest of his life. As he told Ashley, there was no use dwelling on the past. Their first priority would be to stop Saren and the geth, but avoid losing their humanity in the process. It wasn’t an easy feat. Saren could be light-years away, for all they know, and they still had to speak with the Council before being allowed clearance.

“It was my job to get everyone out safe,” Shepard replied, rubbing his wrist with his other hand as a scowl appeared on his face. “I failed. I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I’ll remember her, and I’ll do better for her.”

“I know you two were, ah... close. You and Ash.”

Shepard sighed. “First Garrus. Now you too, huh?” he asked, closing his eyes. “I engage in dialogue more often with Wrex. Soon people are going to think I have a thing for krogans.”

“Sure, if you like the rough stuff.”

He blinked. “Is there something you want to tell me, lieutenant?” he jested, and Kaidan snorted at his talent for twisting his words. “Well, not that I blame you. Who doesn’t want a krogan by their side to the end times? Of course, if you look away from the property damage. Might need a bracelet for ring. It’s not that I’m saying he’s gained weight, I just... you know.”

“I never claimed to be big on alien culture, remember?”

“Not even ‘art appreciation’?” Shepard asked, and folded his arms across his chest. Kaidan rolled his eyes. “There’s one more thing I wanted to bring up, though. About Wrex back at Virmire. When he pulled a gun on me and I told you to stand down, you downright disobeyed my order. Hell, it almost looked like you were about to pull the trigger on him for a second.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I wasn’t thinking clearly. That one’s on me. It was unprofessional of me and it won’t happen again.”

Wrex overheard that Saren had found the cure for the genophage and was unwilling to cooperate in destroying the facility at first. He was clearly upset shooting at some poor fish in the water by the shore. Both Kaidan and Ashley had immediately drawn their weapons at the krogan when his shotgun aimed straight for Shepard. Ashley obeyed with a sigh while Kaidan ignored the direct order.

“Don’t be. I’m glad you did.”

Kaidan blinked. “Sir?”

“By all means, Kaidan. Question my every move. It’s good to see you have a mind of your own and don’t blindly follow orders without hesitation. That’s a good thing. I need people to keep me in check. Help me make the demanding decisions. It’s a tough call and it helps having a second opinion -- a second perspective -- to make sure I make the right one. I would’ve done the same if he had pointed that thing on any of the crew. You did good, lieutenant.”

He looked stunned. “I, ah... Thank you for the advice, sir.”

Shepard cocked a brow.

Kaidan quickly caught up on it. “Shepard. Thank you, _Shepard.”_

He gave him a nod in approval.

“As you were.”

* * *

Shepard slumped into the mess hall started fiddling with the straps of his armor while internally cursing.

They had just returned from the Citadel. The Councilors were convinced that the Conduit wasn’t even real, but a distraction, for Saren to take the Citadel unhindered. Kick them when they were down. Shepard refused to let it slide, and because of that, the _Normandy_ had been grounded. Minutes passed in struggle before Shepard finally tightened the latch on his locker.

It didn’t take long before he heard footsteps approaching and snapped towards the direction it came from.

He was pissed, but when he saw Kaidan, his expression immediately mellowed. Sighing, his forehead encountered the locker before him. He turned, letting his back fall to the concrete and made no attempt of mending the obvious impact.

Bad idea.

“Dammit!” he called, his back now aching.

Kaidan cleared his throat. “Commander, are you, ah...? Are you all right?” he asked, obviously attempting to hold back a laugh. A rhetorical question. “I’m sure there’s a way to appeal. We’re under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council.”

“I tried. Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that... and wipe off that damned smirk, lieutenant.”

The smirk turned into a grin. Shepard saw it from the corner of his eye as the sides of his own mouth unwillingly twitched upwards. Leave it to Kaidan to make him feel better about the whole thing.

However, it shortly dissolved.

He had no say in this. Not even as a Spectre. He couldn’t disobey the Council. Saren’s capture was however reason enough for him to break the regulations. He knew Saren had to be stopped. One way or the other. Dead or alive, he had to be stopped, even if it meant breaking Alliance protocols along the way. As well as the Council’s protocols. They had to find a way to get out there. The whole crew was with Shepard 100 percent on this one because they knew the dangers they had seen firsthand, as well as the risks.

They might be thrown in jail but at least they would’ve saved the galaxy first.

Kaidan folded his arms across his chest. “Closed. And we’re supposed to accept that?” he said, leaning to the steel wall. “So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat.”

At least someone tried to hold onto hope.

“We’re out of the game for now,” he said, allowing his head to drop to the locker. “I need you to be there while I figure things out.”

“You know you can count on me -or, ah... any of the crew, Commander.”

Shepard frowned at how dense he was.

“Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder. A kick in the right direction. Literally. Biotic kick would be preferable.”

“Yeah, I always leave a way out. You know that,” he replied, coming out as an exhale as he averted his eyes. “I’m here for you. But we’re in a rough spot, and the last I want to do is muddy things. Like it’s all that clear to start with.” He turned back to Shepard. “Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?”

Shepard had no idea why he always complicated things.

“Can’t just pull out a good old-fashioned ‘it’ll be all right,’ can you?”

He chortled. “It’s that easy, huh? Okay, then. Fine. I can do that.”

Kaidan cleared his throat as if he was about to hold an inspiring ‘Commander Shepard’ speech just to tease him. It worked, because Shepard let out a displeased, loud groan and threw his head back to the locker. A little too hard, as now his head was aching, too. One might think padding up all the rough edges of the ship would be the least of their worries. Shepard just tightened his jaw and decided to ignore the pain because he was in for something even more painful from Kaidan’s mouth.

_Oh no... here comes._

“Everything will be fine, Shepard,” he continued. “You’ll figure it out.”

He had expected worse.

Shepard arched a brow. “Don’t overdo it, Romeo,” he grumbled, the sarcasm clear. “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

“I could get used to it. I guess we have some downtime, huh?”

A small smirk threatened the surface, but didn’t quite break through. He was about to rise up, surprised to see Kaidan holding out a hand to help him. It was Virmire all over again, only their roles switched. Shepard glanced at his hand, his expression slightly softening in what resembled confusion, letting his eyes trace across his all-too-perfect face until their eyes met.

When they were palm-in-palm, he allowed Kaidan to pull him up onto his feet.

The lighting in the room was dim. Shepard knew he looked exhausted when he stood. Kaidan was about two feet away from him so he has to have noticed. Having him so close was unnerving. His amazing scent made him crazy. He swallowed even though his expression remained deadpan. The whole thing was torture. Kaidan’s hands twitched as if he considered reaching out, but knowing him, he would find it inappropriate.

He didn’t have the time to abstain before Shepard wrapped an arm around his shoulder to reduce the distance between them.

There was no doubt.

Shepard was deeply -- and inappropriately -- attracted to his lieutenant.

He had pulled Kaidan into a warm but pitiful embrace with tightened brows. He could feel him tensing up at first. Kaidan hesitated but he finally found him melting into his arms, letting his eyes tightly flutter shut when he felt Kaidan wrapping his own around his waist. He found himself vulnerable for his first time in forever. He felt human.

“Thanks, Kaidan.”

He no longer treated Shepard as if he was larger than life like everyone believed. A burden removed from the den of iniquity. He needed someone to keep his feet planted on the ground and Kaidan was willing to be that someone.

“Yeah... Anytime, Shepard,” he said, and awkwardly patted his back.

The gesture had Shepard roll his eyes skyward with a small smirk. One would think that he had absolutely no clue how to hug someone.

“I don’t feel much appreciated at the moment. Is this a one-way affection thing? Thought you might need it.”

Kaidan tensed in his arms. “What?” he asked almost startled, before pulling him closer and tightening his grip.

_Well, that was better..._

“No!” he added. “No, of course not. It’s, ah... nice. I’m just... it’s been a while.”

Shepard attempted to hold his amusement at bay.

“You are so cute.”

“Cute? Couldn’t you just shoot me? That’s a lot more humane than calling me _cute.”_

 _“Sorry to interrupt, Commander.”_ Joker. Of course he had to make a joke out of this. They pulled away from each other and moved their attention towards the speakers. _“Got a message from Captain Anderson.”_

“What did he want?”

_“Only said to meet him at that club in the Wards -- Flux.”_

“Well. I, ah...” Kaidan cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess you better go then.”

Shepard stayed put and Kaidan seemed confused judging by the way his left brow arched.

Kaidan blinked. “Commander? Anderson’s waiting for you.”

“I’m aware,” he replied, smirking. “So I really need you to let go of me, lieutenant.”

First then did Kaidan notice how his hand was clutching onto Shepard’s shirt for dear life. His eyes gained twice their size as he appeared to realize that he had held him during their whole conversion with Joker.

Not that Shepard minded it...

Kaidan finally let go of him. “Right.”

*

Bringing Kaidan and Garrus along to the Citadel wards, they met up with Anderson. He explained that they could override the ambassador’s orders and get them to bring the ship back on-line so that she could be in the Terminus Systems before anyone even knew they were gone. Unlocking the _Normandy_ from Udina’s office would give the ship a few minutes to get out before anyone knew.

Anderson leant forward in his chair. “Shepard, I know you’re pissed off right now. But hell, you can’t give up. They all think this is over but we both know it’s not. You have to go to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit!”

“You’re going to get yourself killed. There has to be another way.”

They had no other options. Anderson made sure to let him know that. Knowing they had no other choice, the shore party returned to the _Normandy_ and informed the crew about their plan, waiting in anticipation for the shackles to unlock. Joker awaited the signal with an attentive focus, and at once the mechanism triggered, the _Normandy_ set off.

They were out and heading for Ilos.


	6. Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m impressed. Although, Chakwas will be furious. Just a heads-up.”_   
>  _\- Garrus Vakarian_
> 
> In which Kaidan demonstrates his biotics.

Having retreated to the cabin after they returned from the Citadel, Kaidan decided to check up on him.

He found Shepard propped into the chair in his quarters. He was leaning back, nose deep in a report as his feet were thrown up at the table before him, crossing by the ankles. He actually looked relaxed.

“Shepard, hey. Is this a bad time?” he asked, leaning to the doorway with crossed arms.

“For me? Not a chance. For you? Definitely.”

Shepard didn’t look at him at first, but when Kaidan arched a brow, he cast him a glance and held up the pad as if knowing exactly what went through his mind.

“You just walked into your worst nightmare, lieutenant,” he added. “I’ve got a shitload of reports to finish up, and now that you’re here, you’re going to help me out.”

Kaidan snorted. “Shouldn’t you have done that earlier?”

He approached his CO in a calm pace. Placing himself at the bedside, Shepard handed one over, only making him realize that the report was marked ‘Noveria.’

“Whoa, how far back do these go?” Kaidan asked in amazement. “This -this is an old one, right?”

“Let’s just say I’ve been... busy. I’m doing Feros right now.”

“Feros? How the hell did they allow you to -?” he asked, but cut himself off. “You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“You sure? It’s an amazing story to tell. Gave me super powers. X-Ray vision. Love Joker’s leopard g-string.”

“Wait, the what -?” he asked with a tilt of his head, experiencing confusion taken to a whole other level -- only to see Shepard arching a brow -- realizing he had been sarcastic.

Kaidan sighed. “All right... now you’re just messing with me.”

“I’m sure that’d be an amazing sight to see.”

His eyes fluttered shut in discomfort. “Great, now... now I’ve got pictures in my head. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I live to serve.”

Shepard was far behind his usual schedule as his stress-meter had considerably raised to the roof. That was usually what happened when the galaxy was in balance and you were stealing a prototype ship to make sure that the galaxy didn’t evaporate before their very eyes. He couldn’t exactly blame him for it and was hoping he could help him find some way to relax. Blow off some steam.

“So what brings you to me -- mess food sucks? Wrex freaking you out? Need better quarters?” he asked, pulling his feet down. “This place is pretty over-sized as it is so I’m sure I could fit you in. Bed’s harder than it looks, but hey, it’s pretty damned comfortable either way.”

Kaidan snorted. “Well, the mess food _does_ suck, Wrex _is_ kinda freaking me out and yes... I would _love_ better quarters,” he replied, allowing his voice to turn husky. “So careful, Shepard... or I’ll might take you up on that offer.”

Letting his arms drop to his knees, Shepard leant forward. “C’mon, Kaidan. Talk to me.”

He saw right though that one.

Sighing, Kaidan said, “I just... I wanted to see how you’re holding up.”

The fixated look before him mellowed slightly as he narrowed his eyes. Shepard opened his mouth, only to close it again, as if not being entirely sure how to respond to that.

“Wait, you’re... worried about me?”

“I know that’s not my place, but c’mon. Look at us,” Kaidan said. “What if this doesn’t work, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship... If they want to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We’re one hell of an example of ‘humanity’s best and brightest,’ huh?”

“I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing. I don’t believe me yet.”

“Well if I didn’t think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here. It will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don’t go well, I want you to know... well... I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”

Shepard wore another deadpan look.

“Kaidan, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of you ‘serving under me.’ Don’t you think it’s time to e-rectify that?”

_E... rectify? Oh, god._

Kaidan chuckled. “Ouch, I walked right into that, didn’t I?” he asked, looking up with a sheepish smile. “We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we’ll probably get the firing squad for mutiny.”

“So you _are_ trying to get into my quarters,” he subtly teased. “You’ve got a good grasp of the situation. It seems like you’ve thought it fully through. Probably even got the ‘sexual harassment’ charges ready to go if things doesn’t work out between us.”

Kaidan’s eyes rolled skyward and watched him give the report he was writing another look.

Shepard sighed. “This is going to take a while. I’ll go grab a few beers so it’ll become bearable. Go ahead, make yourself at home.”

He couldn’t complain as he got an excellent view of Shepard’s ass on his way to leave the room. He found himself frowning when realizing that he was staring, having no idea why he would do that, although he nearly considered taking his offer.

Shepard asked him to stay for a while, saying he was a welcome distraction, which he gladly did. When they finished writing the reports, their conversation was directed away from work, simply talking about everything. He could swear he had never had this much fun his entire life when Shepard shared stories he had either heard around him or experienced himself. It was amazing to hear the famous Commander Shepard’s laugh for the first time, having his abdomen flutter, being a pleasant sound he could definitely get used to.

One of their topics consisted of biotics, resulting in Shepard taking contact with Garrus via omni-tool, in reference to a conversation they had earlier where Garrus mentioned that biotics had no sense of aim.

 _“Biotics are basically blasting weird, blue pulses through the air without any sense of direction -- no offense Kaidan -- but it’s the truth,”_ Garrus said. _“I’m surprised each time it even hits. Precision is the deadliest weapon. You can’t calibrate biotics.”_

Shepard picked up an empty bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. “Hey, Kaidan. Get ready. I saw you do this on Eden Prime. Don’t mess it up, okay?”

_“Wait, are you seriously considering to -?”_

He faked a wounded smile. “Shepard... you’ve got to have some faith in me.”

“Here comes!”

Immediately as Kaidan began to glow blue with readied biotics, Shepard threw the bottle up into the air, and he released the charge of a _Throw_ to see the bottle fly across the room with a loud crash when it hit the door. Before the glass fragments could encounter the floor, he used _Lift,_ keeping them airborne to make things easier for them. Now they didn’t have to clean it up afterwards -- only had to move a trashcan below the area -- and it was as if it never happened.

“Whoo!” Shepard chuckled. “Hear that, Garrus? It was the sound of Serrice Ice Brandy in a million pieces! Hell, you should’ve seen it!”

_“I’m impressed. Although, Chakwas will be furious. Just a heads-up.”_

*

Hours passed, minds centering on anything but Ilos and the battle before them.

“Remember when I approached you about your headaches?” Shepard asked when the topic of implants was brought up. “I remembered that I was talking to an Alliance soldier before I said something I was bound to regret. Back on Earth, I uh... I wasn’t exactly the most law-abiding citizen.”

“Why am I not surprised?” he teased, noticing the corners of Shepard’s mouth slightly curve. “I mean, hell... you stole security footage.”

“Yeah, well. Picked up a few things. I was a bit more extreme back then,” he replied, although his small smile gradually faltered. “I made all the right friends in all the wrong places, to say the least. People that did everything out there to survive and didn’t care for the consequences. Those people consisted of orphans, the abused... kids that didn’t have the best life and the like.”

Shepard looked away. “I was raised by a gang called the Tenth Street Reds.”

“You mean...?”

He finally shared his life story -- just as Kaidan had shared his years in BAaT -- before him.

“I never met my parents. Knew I was an only child, raised on the streets, having to join up with gangs just to get by. Had almost no limits for what I was willing to do to survive. It didn’t take long before I was tempted to just give up.”

Kaidan swallowed.

“Not by putting a bullet in my head or anything like it, but just simply stop caring, knowing that it’d be easier that way,” Shepard added. “At my lowest, I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I had my orders one day, didn’t know what I was going to face. When I arrived, I realized that my target was some kid -- 7 years old.”

“Did you do it?”

“No.”

His reply sounded honest, pure, and Kaidan didn’t doubt him for a second. Shepard wasn’t someone to kill innocent people for sport. He probably just handled the robbing and intimidation jobs.

“The gang leader, Jericho, wasn’t known to take kindly upon us turning soft,” Shepard added. “I kept it under wraps, hoping no one would find out. I later ended up in a bar with a fake pass telling I was allowed to be there, drinking. I ran into Ace, had known him for about a year by then. He was taking a part-time job as a bartender.”

One of those rare smile breached the surface. “I was almost busted, but he was there to help out. I was even offered a drink on the house out of pity because of my horrible attempt at persuading the bouncer I could ‘give him a good time,’ if he looked the other way. I think he was a turian.”

“Wait, I’ve seen you talk down terrorists. How’s a bouncer any different?”

“Oh, bouncers are worse. I could persuade terrorists to sleep with me any day,” he replied and pressed the tip of the bottle to his lips.

Kaidan snorted with little doubt in his mind.

“Ace was in the Alliance, relieved from duty because he suffered a temporary injury,” Shepard continued. “That’s the reason why he merely worked a part-time job. When he did get back in, he gave them as best as he got. Alliance soldier to the core. ‘Everything must be done the right way or not at all.’ That’s why I compared you to him earlier.”

“Plus the headaches.”

“Exactly. Speaking of headaches... he was actually the one that gave me this,” he said, making a hand gesture towards the scar on his hairline. “I wish it was a more exciting tale to tell on how I got it, but I was literally just drunk and caused trouble at the bar, getting the attention from some rival gangs that were about to kick my ass, so Ace saved mine -- knocking me out with a bottle and then nursing me back up when his shift was over -- doing the bouncer’s job for him.”

Kaidan closed his eyes and couldn’t help but grin at the image.

“Wow, just... wow.”

Shepard’s shoulders lifted in a shrug. “He didn’t throw me out, so hey, I must’ve done _something_ right in the charm department. He didn’t dump me, either, so I’d say he didn’t mind.”

Definitely more than a friend.

“Here I thought you gained it from one of the more spectacular feats you’ve accomplished throughout the years.”

Shepard pursed his mouth. “Hey, never know when the bottles might rebel.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes and took another sip of his beer.

“Just glad the Reds weren’t there to intervene,” Shepard said. “Ace was a good guy, and they’d cause even more stir in the bar, not being good for business. Little did they know that he could knock them all on their ass if they tried.”

Kaidan remembered that a man had approached Shepard on the Citadel a while ago and asked him to release a guy named Curt from custody. It had to make sense that those three were in the same gang once.

He still couldn’t forget how Shepard had simply mowed him down like that...

Kaidan bit his lip, uncertain whether to bring it up.

“So that guy back at the Citadel...” he began.

Silence.

He immediately regretted asking.

Kaidan closed his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to -”

“Finch,” he simply said.

It encouraged Kaidan to open his eyes once more.

“Sorry you had to see that. I just had to -” Shepard added, fists clenching as his eyes closed tightly. “Finch and I had our disagreements. He always liked to play the tough-guy, we all did, but he was a bit more extreme. Got pissed when people ordered him around. He reminded me of those days I try to forget. That was enough to pull the trigger."

Still not looking at him, Shepard opened his eyes. “You gonna report for being unreliable?”

His rebuke wasn’t hostile.

He was more accepting than anything.

“No, I... I get it,” he replied, leaning in. “I mean, when I told you about Vyrnus, I made it clear that I wasn’t upset he died. We’ve all got our demons.”

He was flattered his CO trusted him with such sensitive information.

Kaidan was tempted to ask after their encounter with Finch, and he could tell that curiosity loomed Ashley’s features as she was with them, but they respected their CO’s privacy. Either Shepard genuinely trusted his lieutenant, or just didn’t care anymore, him hoping the former. Kaidan would call what Shepard had done more than just ‘redeemed himself.’ He was a changed man willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good, one who helped whenever he could, taking his time to assist civilians during his downtime.

It was strange to think that Shepard once was a criminal, but back then, he was very young. He didn’t know any better ways to make a living. At the age of 29, he now knew that protecting people was what he wanted to do, not interrogating or robbing them. That was what separated Commander Shepard from the common thugs, because he, for one, was determined to correct all wrongs.

With that in mind, a question surfaced.

“Have you, ah... Have you told anyone else about this?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard blinked. “No...” he said, seeming taken aback. “No, I haven’t.”

He had a sneaking suspicion that he held something back.

*

Kaidan hadn’t realized that he’d managed to fall asleep on the bed in Shepard’s cabin when he woke up the next day. He felt stiff all over but was lucky he hadn’t awoken with a hangover. He pulled himself up, taking after his eyes with his right index finger and thumb, blinking the sleep away. He saw Shepard approaching him.

“Didn’t realize I drifted off, there... Hell, you didn’t sleep in the chair, right? You should’ve woken me up.”

“Didn’t have the heart,” Shepard replied, handing him a glass of water that he gladly accepted “...and don’t worry about it, lieutenant. I grew up in the streets. I’ve had worse.”

“My god... sorry.”

Shepard just shook his head with a small smile before placing himself back in the chair to look over the reports.

“Thanks for helping me out with these. If I did it alone, it’d take another day,” he said, and Kaidan gave him a nod. “The company was a welcome change, as well. Haven’t had the time to relax up until last night. What do you think our odds are to put an end to all this?”

Sighing, Kaidan muttered, “I don’t know, Shepard. Saren’s been a pain in the ass through all this, but he’s exhausted his options... and we’ve dealt with the geth before. After sabotaging the krogan project, things are looking pretty positive from where I stand. I don’t know what we’re going to find at Ilos, but I’m sure as long as you’re in charge of this, we’re going to win.”

“I appreciate the trust.”

Blue hue met his brown and the glance was held. He saw a small smile tug at his lips and couldn’t resist smiling back. Gradually, Shepard’s smile dissolved before he averted his gaze, clearing his throat. He never seemed to hold the eye contact for any longer than two seconds. Judging by the fact that it might be considered eye-fucking to go for it any longer, it might be for the best to... he shrugged it off.

“Look, Kaidan...” he added.

 _“Bridge to Commander Shepard,”_ Joker punctured Shepard mid-sentence, earning their attention as their gazes shot up to the speakers. _“We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”_

“Good to hear, Joker,” Shepard replied, letting the report drop to the table as he pulled himself up from his seat.

“Commander. You were, ah... you were going to say something?”

“It’s nothing. Never mind,” he replied, giving him a lackluster smile.

It faltered shortly.

Shepard averted his eyes. “I was just thinking about Ash.”

“Hell. This is her fight too, you know.”

“I’m still trying to get used to the fact that she’s not going to join us. I didn’t know her for long but I sure as hell wanted to,” he replied. “Being able to bring Saren down after what he did to her squad... I think she would’ve been proud.”

“Yeah... definitely. So let’s return the favor.”

He was given a nod. “Gear up, lieutenant. I want you on ground team.”

“Aye, aye sir.”

The bed _was_ damned comfortable, though.

* * *

Shepard stood with his arms folded across his chest behind Joker’s chair. He, Kaidan, Liara and Tali were in the cockpit.

Joker glanced out the cockpit window. “Uh, commander? We’ve got company,” he said, but the geth’s sensors had fortunately not picked them up yet. “Stealth systems are engaged. Unless we get close enough for a visual, they won’t have any idea we’re here.”

They had to use the Mako to drop onto Ilos, but the nearest landing zone was too far away, so they had to take a risk.

“It’s our only option!” Liara said.

“Keelah...” Tali muttered, nervously tiptoeing on the edge of her feet while fidgeting with the straw in her half empty cup with turian brandy to calm her nerves. The discussion went over their heads. She wasn’t able to stand still.

Kaidan was completely against the idea. “It’s not an option! It’s a suicide run! We don’t -”

“I can do it,” Joker said.

Shepard turned to him. “Joker?”

“I can do it.”

He had full faith in the Alliance’s best pilot.

“Gear up and head down to the Mako,” he ordered, clutching the backrest of his seat. “Joker -- drop us right on top of that bastard!”

It didn’t take long before the squad team -- Shepard, Kaidan and Garrus -- successfully dropped off in the Mako. They were right on his heel, but when Saren shut a metal gate after him, Shepard pulled a drastic turn not to crash into the damn door that was now blocking the entrance. He cursed internally and cast his glance aside to see if there were any different alternatives.

His body went rigid when he looked aside and at his turian companion, wide-eyed, clutching onto the dashboard.

Shepard scowled. “Oh, c’mon... I’m not _that_ bad of a driver,” he said, but Garrus just cleared his throat. “Kaidan?”

He propped his arm to the backrest and looked over his shoulder for Kaidan’s backup, but his knuckles probably white underneath his gauntlets as he was grasping the roof handle as he somewhat hesitantly met his gaze.

“You guys are such damn lightweights,” he grumbled in addition, pushing up the door.

There was no way of getting through the door with brute force but they managed to override the lock. After minutes after fighting the geth surrounding the complex, they found another terminal, activating it to see a damaged hologram come to view. Neither Kaidan nor Garrus could understand it, but thanks to the Cipher he had received at Feros, it had given him the ability to understand the prothean language. It was as if Shepard had foreseen the ‘indoctrinated by the beacon and start writing reports in prothean’ theory.

It was another warning against the reaper invasion, having said something about the Conduit, but it was too degraded to help.

 _“You are not prothean,”_ another hologram said, deeper in the facility. _“But you are not machine, either. This eventually was one of many that was anticipated. This is why we sent our warning through the beacons. I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon any of you. Unlike the other that passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope. My name is Vigil.”_

Vigil has been monitoring their communications since they arrived at the facility and translated its output into a format that they could comprehend. Neither of the expected what it had to say. The Citadel was apparently a mass relay that linked to dark space, and because of this, Saren’s plan was to open it so that the reapers could pour through. The Conduit wasn’t a weapon.

It was a back door onto the Citadel.

The hologram had a data file in the console with a virus they could upload to the station and give them temporary control, so when they parted and headed for the Mako, they knew what they had to do. Minutes passed and they could see a huge contraption with energy pulsing in its center.

Shepard steadied his grip around the Mako’s controls. “All right, squad -- hold tight -- let’s do this!”

He lined the Mako up directly above the relay and pressed the accelerator as hard as he could. The Conduit lead them straight to the Citadel, but when they arrived, the whole vehicle was tipped over which resulted in a crash landing.

Garrus pulled himself up. “Damn... Wouldn’t exactly call that ‘landing with style’.”

Not having been badly hurt, they pulled themselves out of the wreck, the Avina AI giving them a rundown of the station. The Council had thankfully been evacuated to the _Destiny Ascension,_ so it was just them, the geth and Saren who had begun to seal the station. The reaper was completely ignoring Alliance ships that were trying to gun it down with no luck, and having found its place in the middle of the Citadel like paper crumpling around a rock, the Citadel wings closed around them.

They found Saren standing by the console, about to open dark space, but managed to interfere. Saren had spotted them. He dropped from the platform, looking as if he had escaped, but they knew better.

He turned visible while standing on his hover board, launching a grenade their way, having them throw themselves aside and into cover.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t make it in time, Shepard,” Saren said. “The final confrontation. I think we both expected it would end like this. You’ve lost. You know what, don’t you? In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel’s systems. The relay will open.”

“I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve.”

Saren was indoctrinated, they knew that much, but now it was completely clear that his mind wasn’t his own. Sovereign was controlling him by implants. Shepard knew that the former Spectre wanted what was best for them all, but he used the entirely wrong methods, not seeing that there was another way. If they injected that virus, the invasion would never happen in the first place, but Saren refused to see that.

“Some part of you must still realize this is wrong,” Shepard said. “You can fight this!”

Hesitating, Saren muttered, “I... Maybe you’re right. Maybe there is still a chance for... unh!”

He cut himself off, his body jerking back as if Sovereign had used the implants to send some kind of shock into him. Saren took after his head, nearly wobbling off the hover board.

Saren remained standing. “The implants... Sovereign is too strong. I’m sorry. It’s too late for me.”

He thanked Shepard for speaking some sense into him and put a gun to his head.

If Vigil’s data file worked and they had control of all systems. Lowering the arms, they opened a communications channel, getting an idea of what was happening out there in their fight against Sovereign.

_“...the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board. I repeat, the Council is on board.”_

Shepard was faced with another difficult choice. Save the Council or save the human fleets. They couldn’t afford to be reckless, and if the Council fell, everything would fall apart as they were the peacekeepers of the galaxy. Although hesitant, Garrus had enough respect for his commander to accept his decision. The Citadel arms were open, and Sovereign was exposed, rallying Admiral Hackett’s orders to focus on the reaper. Hundreds of ships fired upon it with a determination to bring it down once and for all.

Although it seemed like Sovereign was their only concern at the time, Shepard wasn’t as convinced, ordering Kaidan and Garrus to make sure that Saren was dead as his suspected lifeless body was lying there.

Garrus didn’t hesitate for a second before he pulled out his firearm and shot Saren in the head once again.

In but a moment, the ground shook beneath his Alliance boots, nearly having him fall over. Some kind of red pulse transmitted from Sovereign, directed at the indoctrinated turian, having his body twitch in place. To their surprise, the red pulse delivered a blast that launched both Kaidan and Garrus into the air, while Shepard who was standing on the lower level was thrown to their level.

At once they were back on their feet, Saren rose up, his structure changing into something far from turian -- more robotic than ever -- like he had mutated. While every Alliance ship was completely focused on gunning Sovereign down, who most definitely was taking a beating, the ground team had to take down the former Spectre. Worst of all, the damn thing was quick, and moving on the walls. They were in for a hectic fight, but finally, they managed to bring Saren down. Meanwhile, Sovereign was weakening, its shields now gone.

 _“Hit it with everything we’ve got!”_ Hackett barked.

With all the firepower they had at hand, they fired, engaging full fire at it. The reaper didn’t have much time left. Shrieking, Sovereign’s insect-like legs lost its grip around the pole, its robotic legs finally giving after as it fell towards the ground. Joker had the honor of delivering the finishing blow, and with a big explosion, hundreds of parts from the ship were thrown in every direction.

Shepard froze when one of the remains headed straight for him, like shooting stars, the others on the ground team being at least twenty feet away and far less exposed than he was.

“GO!” he called to them.

“SHEPARD!” came Kaidan’s voice.

It all turned black.


	7. Hero Of The Citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Aw, I’m flattered, Shepard. But you’re going to have to do a lot better than that to make me blush.”_   
>  _\- Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> In which Shepard gets piss drunk.

Groaning, Kaidan took after his throbbing head.

The Citadel lay in ruins. Everything was destroyed. Burning. He smelled the thick odor of smoke in the air. Fragments of Sovereign and frigates alike were scattered all around them. It looked like a crash site. Sovereign was the greatest threat that they had ever faced, and that was only one reaper, worrying him knowing that there would be more one day. They had only delayed the inevitable and were in for a bigger fight. When that fight would occur, none of them knew, but at least now they knew what they were capable of.

Citadel Security was probably scanning the area right about now, as they were nearly buried underneath the rubble, but at least neither of them were badly wounded. When he tried to rise, a sharp pain went up his leg, and he winced.

Garrus was there with him.

Shortly after, omni-tools lit up. A welcoming and clear light traversed through the rubble, making him squint, having a bigger reach than he expected. Concrete was moved out of the way, and when he tilted his head up, a C-Sec officer stood before him.

“Captain Anderson!” the man called enthusiastic, looking over his shoulder. “We’ve found them! They’re in here.”

He and Garrus were both alive and in good standing, but hunched over -- having managed to duck when the reaper’s remains descended -- lucky to end up below a rather curved piece of the ship that prevented them from being crushed by the concrete. Kaidan’s gaze fell to the floor, but when he looked up again, he was pleased to see Anderson moving towards them with quickened steps.

Anderson smiled. “Take it easy... it’s over,” he said, and put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re safe now, boys.”

Although the gesture had been in an unconscious attempt to comfort him, and Kaidan greatly appreciated the effort, it didn’t help. Not in the slightest. He could swear he had the taste of blood in his mouth, but hell, that wasn’t because of his wounds.

“Where’s the commander?” came Anderson’s voice again, as he scouted the area. “Where’s Shepard?”

Swallowing hard, he attempted to get rid of the lump in his throat. Kaidan didn’t smile back nor meet his eyes. He managed to look up from his fixated glare on the ground. With a loss of words, he overlooked his shoulder, surveying the rubble behind him. Anderson looked confused at first, but when he straightened, the lines in his face retracted.

Kaidan halfway expected Shepard to walk up to them.

Anderson simply just stared at the concrete, left without as much as a sign of him being alive. A C-Sec officer helped Garrus onto his feet, his head bowed and heavy before he directed one final glare Shepard’s way. He watched his jaw tighten, his mandibles flare slightly, before Garrus allowed them to guide him away. He knew the risks, but hell, he’d never expected this outcome.

No matter how he looked at it, no matter how much he tried to understand, nothing made any sense. It was Commander Shepard, for god’s sake. One of the two survivors of Akuze, he was indestructible, or so they all believed.

Anderson offered him his help and was allowed to pull him up. He didn’t want to linger any further in that place. Kaidan felt a hand on his back, trailing the path Garrus had taken, but a puzzled expression shrouded his face when Anderson’s gaze had frozen. Confused, Kaidan looked up as he could’ve sworn he had heard something. Maybe it was just hope speaking, but then... they all heard it.

Metal was pushed to aside, hitting the very ground with a familiar clatter, revealing a silhouette casting shadows from the Citadel window.

When he turned back, he squinted, but the man standing before them about ten feet away didn’t vanish. It was no mirage. The figure clutched a wound on his side as he climbed the reaper’s remains and raised his chin.

Kaidan felt like he had won the entire galaxy when Shepard stepped forward with firm steps and a smirk at the corner of his mouth.

When they returned, humanity was offered a place on the Council, having proven themselves. Shepard wanted that representative to be Anderson, and he accepted, although Udina subtly disagreed with his decision. It came to light that Anderson had swung a punch his way so he could access the locks _Normandy_ was connected to, and because of that, he was a little salty.

Kaidan was just upset he couldn’t be there to witness it.

* * *

Shepard couldn’t help but argue when Anderson insisted they’d take some shore leave, but when he thought of his crew, he figured that they all needed a break after what they had been through.

The crew were to meet up in Flux and drinks were on the Alliance.

The music was just as loud as always, and the environments, just as energetic. It was life there, a rare aura, now when the crew weren’t the only ones celebrating. He’d arrived earlier because he had to discuss the recent reports with the higher-ups, but they’d be there anytime soon.

He palmed his hands on the bar disk and snatched the drink that he’d just ordered.

“I see you found the bar, Shepard.”

A small smile breached the surface behind the glass. He slanted his head to see Kaidan leaning his back to the counter with crossed arms.

“You clean up well,” was added.

Shepard let his eyes wander across Kaidan’s body with an approving gaze.

It was unusual seeing him out of his civvies, although it was a welcome change, clearly suiting the getup. Kaidan wore jeans and a dark blue shirt, arms pulled up to the grope between his lower and upper arm. When his eyes fell to his collarbone, he saw the chain of his dog tags, the ID signs halfway below his shirt. Some of the buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned from the top, which was pretty damned sexy, to say the least.

“Then we’re two, lieutenant,” he replied, surveying the local. “Seen any signs of Garrus and Tali?”

“Garrus wanted to test out just how good of a pilot Joker was when flying frigates. Like, you know, challenged him to a race,” he replied. “He managed to crash the skycar in the Presidium, but luckily, no one got badly hurt. Garrus had to get to the med clinic, so Tali offered to go with him. They should be back soon.”

Kaidan’s gaze fleeted. “It was kind of funny, really.”

“Damn, wish I was there to see it,” he muttered, having formed rather amusing picture in his head. “Hell, skycar stunts? Sounds like my kind of thing. We have to do it sometime.”

In addition, he teased, “Call it a date.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Kaidan said, “Sure, they’ve probably got a few more for rent. You know, the reason why he crashed was because he tried to impress Tali.” He watched as the corners of his mouth curved in a smug smile. “Obviously, it didn’t work very well, but at least he obtained her compassion after making an ass of himself. She had one hell of a laugh when he was confirmed unharmed. Keep that in mind.”

“Hey, the only one I want to impress... will be sitting in the other car.”

“Aw, I’m flattered, Shepard. But you’re going to have to do a lot better than that to make me blush.”

“I take that as a challenge. I’m in, something to do in the upcoming days, but...” He saw Kaidan cocking a brow at ‘but,’ so he looked away, not daring to meet his eye. “I kind of... never learned how to drive skycars. Had a motorcycle back on Earth -- only thing I know how to drive.”

“Yeah, that... that explains the Mako.”

“Hey, that thing is impossible to control,” he argued, but simply earned an amused smile from the man before him. “I swear, that damn thing is rigged somehow. It’s way too light on the gas. Have your foot just slip for a moment and you’re dead.”

Motorcycles were the easiest way to get around as he drifted from place to place. He remembered owning a black _Moto Guzzi Stelvio 2015_ with a few red spots. Shepard definitely had an interest in vehicles, being flying or shore based, although he wasn’t a big fan of the Makos. Each time he had to control one of the damn things, the frustration boiled inside of him, and that was something he was forced to deal with quite a lot. They had to clear a few geth outposts in the traverse, and hell, there was no other way to touch down.

“C’mon, it can’t be that difficult,” Shepard said. “Teach me. ‘Kaidan Alenko, flight instructor’.”

“I’d rather stay alive for the upcoming missions, so yeah, I’ll teach you how to drive,” he teased in reply, earning him a roll of the eyes. “Hell, I think you just want to see me in a g-suit.”

_Dead-on, Alenko._

“Well... I certainly wouldn’t mind,” he replied, taking another sip.

Kaidan chortled. “Okay, yeah. Not subtle at all, Commander.”

Whiskey-brown eyes averted and Shepard could’ve sworn he saw a faint blush in his cheeks. His own lips tugged upwards at the corners.

“Still doesn’t change the fact I won’t be the only one wearing it,” Kaidan added.

“Hell, I’m a Spectre. Alliance regs don’t apply to me.”

“Oh, wow. That... that’s unfair.”

“I’ll throw in a good word for you if we get caught,” Shepard said, winking.

It didn’t take long before four men in the bar pulled up from their seats at the mention of ‘Spectre.’ The two Alliance soldiers subtly paid attention to the movement behind them. It was the common thugs. They were always causing havoc around every port. It could only mean that this situation was better off solved with punches than words. Thugs knew no other language but ‘punch,’ ‘kick’ and ‘duck.’

“What do we have here? The legendary Commander Shepard himself,” one of them said.

“Look, pal... I don’t have time for this, all right? Just let me finish my drink.”

He watched as the man cracked his fists. “The galaxy can wait,” he said, and Shepard cocked a brow. “Think we can’t win this fight without you, huh? If you’re so damned special, you better prove it, ‘cause I ain’t convinced. You’re just a typical soldier.”

Shepard returned a smile just to piss him off. “Yeah, I am. Thanks for noticing, tough-guy.”

He didn’t attempt to protest whatsoever. He never placed himself above anyone else and he knew that he could never manage to do all this by himself. The _Normandy_ and Anderson had bigger roles in Sovereign’s fall that him alone, little thanks to the Council, that is. Anderson seemed to handle things exceptionally well as Councilor, but had expressed his dismay of having to deal with all the politics, which Shepard definitely could relate to. Anderson did an excellent job and Shepard was happy for him.

He owed everything to his former captain.

The captain, now Councilor, was the closest thing he ever had to a father. When his parents bailed out, or died for that matter, he was the one that took him in. Shepard still felt like he was in debt to him. He always would.

“You cocky son-of-a bitch...” the man murmured.

“Easy there,” Kaidan broke in, his voice as calm as always. “That isn’t the way to talk to a guy that could throw you behind bars.”

The man’s eyes fell to the dog tags. “Well, well... Two Alliance dogs? Well, then -- two less to worry ‘bout...”

The other men laughed.

Casting his gaze aside, he and Kaidan shared an unimpressed look, their lips twitching at the corners. Kaidan pushed himself gently away from the counter, and just as Shepard, he accepted the challenge.

“Mind if I join in, Shepard?” he asked.

“Be my guest, Alenko.”

Tali, Garrus, Wrex, Liara and Joker stepped through the doorway. Their eyes wandered to the six thugs that were lying unconscious on the ground. Two more men had tried to engage the brawl while they were going at it.

“Oh, Keelah...” Tali muttered. “They never learn.”

Garrus sighed. “Damn, seems like we missed all the fun. You didn’t think of leaving anyone for us? I’m wounded.”

“Don’t worry, Garrus,” Shepard said, “there’ll always be next time.”

“So... in case you haven’t ingested the whole bar as well, I suggest we get things started giving the locals something to remember,” he replied. “The party is not over until everyone has passed out. The loser is the first to go. Let’s take it from there. Deal?”

Shepard crossed his arms. “Deal. You’re going down, Vakarian.”

When Garrus was readying the drinks, Joker placed himself beside them to see the show. Kaidan headed out of Flux to see if he could find Tali who had apparently started looking for an ‘emergency induction port,’ whatever the hell that was, having been gone for several minutes by now. They were all convinced that she had become lost. Because of her bad immunity system, she couldn’t take her suit off, so the only way she could drink alcohol was through a straw. One would think it impossible to become even more adorable than the hypochondriac that she already was.

They were wrong, as drunk Tali was a sight to both see and experience.

Joker was reluctant at first to leave the ship, but seemed to have a good time when they actually arrived. It was great to see him cut loose for once. Wrex had started arguing with the security around the food they served after he had spoken with the bartender while Liara was busy trying to study the culture around nightclubs to get a better understanding of what she saw before her.

“All right, Commander,” Joker said. “Don’t make an ass out of yourself. You have to make an example of _humanity_ in its entirety as _species._ I’m counting on you, and so is humanity, so don’t mess it up.”

“This is it, very strong stuff,” Garrus said. “You might be one hell of a soldier on the battlefield, but this... this is something else entirely. Time to test your will.”

He pushed a glass across the table that ended up perfectly in the palm of Shepard’s hand.

Garrus’ mandibles twisted into a grin. “Just try not to die.”

“Oh, it’s on... Let’s go.”

He moved the glass up to his mouth, tilting it back, quickly ingesting the liquid followed by shaking his head at the burn. It was strong, hell, it even tasted strong. He couldn’t quite place what was in it. Garrus’ ego had already raised through the roof so he was determined not to add to it even more. When Joker passed them, he gave Garrus a hand gesture followed by straightening his hat, having Shepard narrow his eyes suspiciously. He proceeded to flag it off. Either it was intentional or the drink had him forget.

“So... Shepard...” Garrus said, after taking his own drink. “How are you feeling?”

Rolling his eyes, Shepard took another shot. He didn’t get drunk easily and could resist the most as he was able to out-drink a krogan. His days back on Earth before joining the Alliance existed of beer and traveling.

“Hell, that’s all you’ve got? I’m disappointed,” he said, smirking. “Give me the next round.”

*

Re-arriving at Flux, Kaidan overheard a conversation between a man and a batarian standing by the counter.

“That’s bullshit!” the man slurred, moving a shot glass away from his mouth. “The _Avenger_ overheats like a son-of-a bitch with poor accuracy. Even fully upgraded, the accuracy is shit. You’re a disgrace to consider it to be a good rifle. You’ll want a _HM..._ fuck what was it called again? _HMW... HMWA Master._ That’s it. Great gun. The security’s too busy to give a shit and keep people in check to even bother if it’s stolen or not.”

 _Yeah,_ Kaidan thought. _That... that’s definitely Shepard._

Shepard frowned. “You batarians... are as fucking dumb as you look.”

“You’ve got some nerve!”

“Oh yeah?” Shepard said, casually drawing his pistol. “Well, I got somethin’ for y -”

Kaidan was thankfully able to intervene by grabbing Shepard’s arm that held the gun and turn him around, met by a confused expression on his face, as Shepard wobbled and almost lost his balance.

“That -that’s enough drinks for today, Shepard.”

The batarian made sure to get out of sight before he had the time to pull the trigger.

It was a wonder that Shepard was still standing judging by how intoxicated he was. It was amusing to see him this way. He’d probably wake up the next day without remembering anything. That could prove to be both a good and bad thing. Most likely bad. Luckily, he had friends there to keep him in check and make sure he didn’t get hurt, and that was peace of mind enough.

Chatting with Liara, Tali had finally found her straw.

“Whad’ya mean?” Shepard asked, frowning. “I’m just... just getting started. Not even affected. Shit. Fully functional human... thing... being. I know my limits, Garrus. This one’s mine.”

“Uh-huh...” Kaidan huffed, smirking. “Shepard, I’m over here.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he waved it off violently.

Kaidan grabbed him by the waist before he fell.

Shepard’s arm wrapped around his neck. “Don’t you have some... some calibrations to do? Damn, your voice is soothing. Could listen to it all day.”

“Mine or Garrus’?”

Shepard frowned again. Tried to, anyway. Kaidan couldn’t tell what his expression was supposed to mean. He resembled a varren for a brief second. A drunk one. There was something adorable about that.

“What the hell are you talking ‘bout -?” he asked, but cut himself off. “Oh. You... you’re Kaidan. I see. Thank god. Good. I’d be worried if... if you were someone else. You got a spectacular ass, lieutenant. Garrus... Garrus, not so much. ‘Cause it’s turian. Not that I... not that I couldn’t date a turian. They’re good. Good people. There’s more to a relationship... than a great ass.”

Kaidan chortled. “I’m... I’m glad to hear that you think that, Shepard,” he muttered, feeling his cheeks going warm at the compliment. “C’mon. Let’s, ah... let’s get you back to the ship.”

Groaning, Shepard buried his face in the grope between the side of his neck and shoulder. He felt himself being pulled towards him, catching him off-guard, not knowing what to do.

It felt amazing having Shepard so close...

“But I got like... three whiskeys to finish... Hell, the clock ain’t even twelve. Dammit, K. Just... just one more.”

_K. Hell, if anyone but Shepard called me that... not wise._

He flipped up the omni-tool display over his shoulder. When he glanced at the time in the corner, his compassionately soft smile formed into a grin. It was 0148. Shepard was completely out of it. Best to leave it at that.

“Not today, Shepard. Not today.”

“Good luck, lieutenant!” Joker called after them. “Make sure he doesn’t trip on the way out!”

It surely was a possibility.


	8. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You’ve... obviously never been in an Alliance jail.”_   
>  _\- John Shepard_
> 
> In which Shepard kisses Kaidan... while drunk AF... and Kaidan is conflicted.

He managed to haul Shepard with him at last, but thankfully, he could walk by himself.

If there was one person that needed to have some fun for once, it was Shepard, and he wasn’t going to take that away from him. After everything he had accomplished, stopping one of the greatest threats that the galaxy had faced, he sure deserved a break. When they arrived at the Wards, in hope that they could get to the _Normandy_ without any complications, he was proved wrong.

“There he is!” he heard a man call, as three others collected themselves around him. “He has Zorya!”

Kaidan frowned. “Wait, wh -?”

“Go!” Shepard called.

Before he could process what was happening, he was pushed ahead and started running, his CO quick on his heel. The men were following hard upon them.

“Who the hell is Zorya?” he asked exasperated.

“Dammit, hell if I know!”

They were about to take a right turn after reaching the end of the hallway, but five of them appeared around the corner, and Kaidan felt a strong hand grip his bicep. For a moment, his breath got stuck in his throat, but then he was turned around to see Shepard having changed their direction towards an elevator to their side.

Kaidan’s hand was grasped, and he was pulled along, letting Shepard choose their route. Bullets went flying in their direction and they barely managed to take cover before they were seriously wounded.

Shepard groaned. “Dammit! We’ll head for the roof. I stole a skycar.”

“Wait, you did... you did _what?”_ he asked, frowning. “Hell, I leave you alone for thirty minutes -!”

“Nag, nag, nag!” Shepard quickly punched the button up.

The elevator jerked loose when his hand encountered the panel, so the two managed to lose their balance, causing an intoxicated Shepard to crash into him. Kaidan grabbed him to secure he didn’t fall. The doors shut and the elevator started moving. They were safe for now. Not too long after, the vehicle reached the roof.

It was first then Shepard let go of his hand.

Moving out, he was well-aware that they didn’t have much time before the elevator would descend and bring the other guys up after them. They were definitely not playing around.

Civilians didn’t carry firearms with them at every port, so hell, they must’ve smuggled them in. If one thing was certain, it was that they were really damn choked up about Shepard stealing someone -- or something -- named Zorya. Zorya was a planet in the Faia system so it had to be a reason why it caught some interest. Nevertheless, they came face-to-face with a hijacked getaway.

“That the car? Yeah, that... that’s great,” Kaidan said with clear sarcasm. “Hell, only Spectres are allowed to carry firearms at the Citadel.”

Scouting the area for an escape route, Kaidan couldn’t see one. “Hey, Shepard. Shouldn’t we call the authorities or something?”

“That would be a great idea, but we don’t exactly have the, ah... permit to be here.”

Kaidan sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding...”

“I happen to have pissed off some security officers,” he replied, heading for the skycar. “They didn’t give a damn that I was a Spectre. So unless you want to end up in an Alliance jail... Hng.” He pushed some debris away from the vehicle. “I suggest we take care of these guys ourselves.”

“Wh -what’s worse?”

“You’ve... obviously never been in an Alliance jail.”

It sounded like he had experience.

His CO walked up to a barrel that had an assault rifle leaning quaintly up against it, casually grabbed the firearm as if it was just a normal Thursday, and that he was used to all this.

“Heads up!” Shepard called, throwing it over.

Kaidan caught it, watching him crouch down next to the skycar. Those guys that were chasing them were trying to break through the door, so he readied the rifle, ready to shoot if they managed to break in. He checked if there were bullets in the magazine, was thankful to find it nearly full. He eventually realized that Shepard was aware of the gun’s presence.

Frowning, he asked, “Wait, hold on, did you... did you leave this here?” He received no reply but the sound of a wooden block being pushed under the car. “Seriously, Shepard. Talk to me...”

“Well, this doesn’t look too difficult,” he said, lying down on his back below the vehicle.

He was about to ask where the hell he learned how to fix cars, but the exact moment he opened his mouth, the thugs broke through the door. His eyes snapped open, starting to shoot.

“Hey, I know how to do this!” Shepard called.

“Shepard!”

“Got it!”

He pushed himself away from under the car, kicked the wooden block away and once again grasped Kaidan’s arm, pulling him along.

Shepard propped into the driver’s seat. “Let’s get the hell outta here!”

“You told me you couldn’t drive!”

“I can’t!” he replied, and ducked when bullets flew their way while Kaidan jerked aside. “What, do you want me to go around and get shot instead, lieutenant? Just get in!”

“Dammit, at least scoot over!”

“Fine, take it!” he called back, moving aside.

Kaidan grabbed the controls and didn’t waste one moment to get the skycar moving. However, the quick motion caused Shepard to tumble backwards as he had been unable to sit down.

“Whoa-oh!” Shepard called, disappearing from his peripheral vision.

Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Shepard sprawled in the backseat. He was unable to hold back the amused smile as he got up on his feet again, a startled expression on his face, hands balled around each front seat lean. After minutes of being chased, those guys were finally out of sight, having him release a relieved breath. He slowed the car down. There was no need to rush anymore.

Kaidan peeked up at the rear-view mirror to see blue eyes closing, releasing his grip on the leather seats before slumping back into the backseat, resting an arm over his eyes. Shepard made no attempt at mending the impact he encountered, but it was soft back there, so it didn’t matter.

“So, Shep... This is how all your first dates end -- drunk in the backseat of a stolen skycar?”

He smirked. “Only with you, lieutenant... Only with you.”

*

It was quiet on the _Normandy._ The others were about to round up the night as well, but after receiving a call, Kaidan found out that they decided to stay for a few more minutes. Tomorrow they would be back to work. They had a lot to do even now when the reaper was taken care of, had to prepare for the next push and expect the worst, as the reapers would roll through one day.

With Shepard’s arm thrown around his shoulder, he helped him to the bed so he could rest out. He slumped down, and Kaidan readied a glass of water as it was his time to take care of Shepard, helping him with the hangover.

“Hey, K... you’re staying, right?” he asked, and Kaidan turned. “With the Alliance.”

For a moment there he thought he meant _for the night._

They would all say their goodbyes one day. Garrus would return to C-Sec and Tali would return to the Flotilla to end her Pilgrimage. The other crewmembers didn’t know what to do now when Sovereign was defeated other than prepare. Some of them would stay at the _Normandy._ Him staying was at least a fact. Shepard would stay, too, and he was glad they got to continue working together. It would feel somewhat empty without the others, as they had become one big family, but he’d live.

“Yeah, sure. My place is with the Alliance. Always will be,” he replied.

He watched as another of those rare smiles appeared on Shepard’s full lips, and not before then, he noticed that he’d been looking at his mouth a lot. Nevertheless, the smile was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

Shepard averted his eyes. “Ever told you about how I came to involve myself so much in the Alliance?”

“You’ve mentioned it. Redeeming yourself, right?” he asked, feeling somewhat guilty for hearing about such a private part of his life when Shepard was intoxicated. “I, ah... I assumed that was the same reason why you stayed.”

Walking up to him, he propped down beside him and squared an ankle over his knee, turning to face him.

“There’s more to it. Thanks,” he slurred, and took a sip of the water that he just gave him. “As I said earlier, after calling it quits with the Reds, I sought out the Alliance to redeem myself. The only thing I knew back then was how to hold a gun. That, and talking myself out of situations so that I didn’t end up in trouble on my own terms. I later realized that I could use this to a better cause than intimidation for a meager reward. I was taught that there was only one way to survive -- keep yourself alive and don’t give a damn about other people.

“I learned that mercy is a weakness to be exploited, never to get attached and that everyone are in it for themselves. I was proved different when I enlisted. It gave me the opportunity to meet people that had the same reasons for what they did in the past. Survival. Some did some pretty fucked up stuff. Difference is, they realized it was wrong, and decided to change their ways.”

Kaidan couldn’t imagine how difficult it was for him.

He had to face a few problems in BAaT, but compared to this, that was nothing. He had killed his instructor, sure, but he was protecting a friend he was in love with. Rahna. It was the closest thing he came to ‘criminal.’ After the incident, she became scared of him, which affected him in far more ways than he would like to admit. It was the first and only time that he had lost control. He was the man he was today because of it.

His father once told him that even the right choices have consequences.

Shepard had stolen and vandalized, but he did it because he knew of nothing else, and that made him all right in his book. Judging by the fact that his parents weren’t there, it only increased the chance of turning to crime, which is exactly what happened to him. He was an excellent example that bad things happen to good people all the time.

He admired him for wanting a moral life.

“I needed to meet people. Hear their stories,” he added, clenching his jaw. “People who grieved over losing their families, their children... I didn’t understand any of that. Hell, I never knew my parents. How could I? They either died or bailed out on me. I had no compassion for them. I also knew that the people I called my ‘friends’ would sic me -- and each other -- at a bear without hesitation if they had as much as a slight chance to escape... But then I got to know people in the Alliance. People that would die for each other without as much as flinch.”

Shepard’s voice softened. “Being the same answer as I gave Ash... I wanted to be a part of something again. Something better than a petty gang who cared for nothing but themselves, and that... that’s why I stayed.”

“I’m glad,” he said, smiling softly. “We’re fortunate to have you, Shepard.”

Shepard turned back to him.

“John.”

Kaidan blinked. “Uh... sir?”

“My name?” he clarified, as if it was obvious. “It’s John.”

Feeling the flush in his cheeks, his eyes went wide, surprised by how dense he was.

Shepard arched a brow. “You didn’t know, did you, Alenko?”

“I... No. I, ah... I didn’t.”

A slow smile spread on Shepard’s lips, and with a chuckle, he averted his eyes. Kaidan felt his abdomen flutter. That sound did strange things to him and he hadn’t considered why. Everyone on the _Normandy_ \-- hell, even the whole Alliance -- referred to him as just ‘Shepard.’ It was as if part of him believed that it was his first name, but hell, that would’ve been strange.

John Shepard. John. Such a normal name for an extraordinary man.

“John...” he muttered. It felt right on his lips. “Yeah, I could... I could get used to that.”

He nodded. “Good to hear, K. Can I call you K?”

“Yeah, no.”

“Well that’s too damn bad, lieutenant... ‘cause I’m going to, anyway,” he grumbled, closing his eyes.

Kaidan couldn’t hold back the chuckle that escaped him.

Shepard... John... was still drunk as all hell.

A knee bumped against his, and as his eyes fell down, he was suddenly fully aware of how close they were sitting.

Shepard dragged a hand across his face before his arms fell motionless to his lap. Turning his head, piercing icy-blue collided with his whiskey-brown, where they lingered. He was convinced they’d be the death of him one day. Kaidan felt that odd and warm sensation he still couldn’t quite place. It was like an aura. They were close, sure -- there was no doubt about that -- but even so, this was very different. The way Shepard was studying him did wonders to his insides. He had never seen him looking at him like that before.

“Anyone ever tell you you’ve got really nice eyes, LT?” Shepard asked.

He simply froze, his heart beginning to beat far more rapidly underneath the fabric, struggling to process that.

_Is he...?_

He watched as Shepard’s eyes fell to his mouth, and his chest tightened, making him swallow hard. When he looked up again, his gaze was dark, wanting, nearly dangerous. The realization hit him. His unwavering stare had him pinned in place. He lost his thoughts and his body remained unmoving. Kaidan first now realized just how much he wanted, craved, what he was suggesting.

Knowing now why his smile always sent him spinning was both pleasing and terrifying.

Before he could process what was happening, lips came against his, determined and direct. Hotly, at the contact, his blood started coursing through his body. He jerked back in shock, but their mouths stuck together, Shepard’s eyes closed but his wide open. His movement had Shepard pull away with a wet sound, only inches keeping them apart, eyes fluttering open with the area around them drawn tight.

_God, those eyes..._

Kaidan hesitated.

His eyes drooped, leaning somewhat reluctantly in, mouths brushing for his heart to start beating even harder. Kaidan finally pushed forward, claiming his lips, met with a willing motion of cooperation.

Sucking in a breath through his nose, he pressed further, parting his lips to feel a warm tongue enter him. He couldn’t hold back the guttural moan that had built up in his chest, and without effort, his hands moved up to cup Shepard’s face to pull him deeper. Shepard made a muffled sound, sending him throbbing, eagerly dominating his mouth as a hand slipped up the small of Kaidan’s back below his shirt. Shivers traversed down the length of his spine and he savored the touch, revered in it, caressing Shepard’s cheekbone with his thumb.

This was wrong.

So damn wrong.

...but he didn’t want to stop.

Against his every judgment, he played along, the taste of alcohol yet noticeable on his tongue. Its bitter taste was ignored in the sensation of his mouth upon his. He wasn’t usually a greedy man, but knowing that he might never feel those lips again, he made an exception.

It was chaste at first, but god, Kaidan felt everything.

His body was pushed into the bed, and Shepard crawled over him, straddling his hips with his thighs. Lowering his mouth, Shepard bit into his neck, nearly having his eyes roll back in his skull. His whole body trembled when a hand slipped under his shirt again, trailing from his abdomen and up, all the way to his left pec. His lips were once again claimed, a wet tongue dancing around his own, breath reduced to short huffs that left goosebumps in its wake. Shepard moaned into his mouth when he grabbed a handful of his ass, kneading it, arching up his hips.

Exploring his whole mouth, Shepard’s repeated kisses were desperate like he starved, having him do his best to meet them. Friction was created as he was forcefully rubbed up against him, earning him another moan, tightening his hold around him.

He felt his belt grasped, its sides separated, and he finally realized what was happening.

Having to stop him before they went any further, he tipped Shepard around so he was on top, splaying a hand at his chest to keep him down. His breathing was heavy, his body hot, his throbbing member begging him to continue where they left off.

He wasn’t going to take advantage of an intoxicated man, especially not his damn CO, so he knew he needed to get away.

Fast.

“I should, ah...” he began, his voice strangled. He cleared his throat. “I should check on the others.”

Kaidan tightly shut his eyes and pulled off of him before reattaching his belt, but when he felt his wrist grasped, he made the mistake of looking at him. The hurt in the blue hue in his bloodshot eyes from alcohol was prominent. The guilt ushered through.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Shepard,” he said instead, pulling away. “Get some sleep.”

Shepard was drunk and didn’t think clearly.

It meant nothing. It was an impulse. It was a mistake.

...and Kaidan knew he was in deep.

*

Shepard woke up with a throbbing head the next day, pleased to see Kaidan placed at the chair in the same room, albeit confused. He had most likely stopped by again to see if he was all right. He let his eyes wander across his own body only to see that everything was intact. There was no visible attempts at amateur surgery or selling his insides on the black market.

He pulled himself up. “Alenko?” he groaned. “Thank god. I expected waking up next to a batarian. Damn... how out of it was I?”

“I think we’ve uncovered most of what happened,” he replied, giving him a somewhat careful smile as he rose from his seat. “You know, you said something about papers in your sleep when I dropped by earlier.”

Shepard accepted the pad held out to him.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake...” he murmured, giving it a look.

It was two contracts giving both Garrus and Joker the allowance to use his credits on alcohol for the night. Garrus had bought a completely new gun for himself -- a Spectre _HMWSR Master Sniper Rifle_ \-- while Joker had bought an entire frigate. They had also bought a lot of alcohol to last for several months that were now in the storage.

He wouldn’t be surprised if he was now broke.

“We should get moving again before I -” Shepard interrupted himself in mid-sentence, reaching after his back pocket as he felt something tangible.

He fished up a key and a name tag he had never seen before.

Shepard frowned. “What the...?”

“Yeah, that’s... it belongs to a skycar,” he replied, almost sounding worried. “What do you, ah... what do you remember?”

“Bits and pieces,” he murmured, as the headache had apparently decided to stay. “I remember being in Flux. Garrus gave me some... some drink I had never seen before. I drank. A lot. I remember something about... a name. I think. Element Zero, maybe? No, Zorya. Then... that’s it.”

Kaidan exhaled, seeming somewhat relieved, making him frown.

“What?” Shepard asked.

He cleared his throat. “Nothing.”

Although he wasn’t convinced, he let it slide.

He shook his head. “Hell... Grab some painkillers from that locker for me, will you?”

Walking up to the container, Kaidan took a firm grip of the handles and pushed it open. Shepard looked up from his hand, giving him a confused look, as Kaidan was just standing there.

“...Kaidan?” he asked.

There was a moment of silence.

“Shepard... why is there a pyjak in your locker?”

Now it made sense. Zorya was one of the many planets inhabiting pyjaks.

“Fuck. I think... I think that’s Zorya.”


	9. Like Losing A Limb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Thinking you were gone... it was like losing a limb.”_   
>  _\- Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> In which Horizon turns Shepard into a dick (not literally.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** Before you read... know that Kaidan believed Shepard to be on life support, not knowing he was literally dead.  
>  K: "I just thought you were on life support... clinically brain dead." (Priority: Cerberus Headquarters, ME3.)
> 
> If you want James Vega's story (it happens meanwhile Shepard is dead and being reconstructed,) you should definitely watch the "Mass Effect: Paragon Lost" anime movie on YouTube. Just search it up. It's great!
> 
> Part 2: "Patience" is already out, btw.
> 
> ~*~

The crew had been out in the traverse to eliminate any geth presence in the coming months.

Kaidan heard Joker report over the comm that they were picking up something on the long-range scanner, being an unidentified vessel that looked like a cruiser according to Navigator Pressly, although it didn’t match any known signatures. He stood in the mess, conversing with Liara, when everything that could go wrong went wrong.

 _“It’s not the geth,”_ Joker suddenly said, the alarm in his voice clear. _“Brace for evasive maneuvers!”_

It didn’t take long before the _Normandy_ was hit by some sort of pulse, and Kaidan nearly fell over, supporting himself on the terminal outside Shepard’s cabin as he took ahold of Liara’s wrist to keep her on her feet.

“Joker, what the hell is happening?” he asked.

 _“I don’t know! The damn thing changed its course, I -!”_ he replied, cutting himself off as a pained groan coming from Pressly was heard on the other end. _“Kinetic barriers down. Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline. Somebody get that fire out!”_

“Goddess!” Liara gasped.

“C’mon, we need to out of here!” Kaidan called.

Liara was quick on his heel as they made their way to deck two to get their armors on. Wrex, Garrus and Tali were already gearing up, seeming pleased to see them when they arrived. An immediate panic befell him.

Kaidan surveyed the area. “Where’s John?”

“Who the hell is that?” Wrex asked.

“Oh, for God’s sake! Shepard, wh -where’s Shepard?”

“Keelah. He -he said he was setting up a distress beacon,” Tali said, as they all geared up.

Of course. John was always thinking ahead. Always.

“I need to find him,” he said, pulling his armor on. “Everyone else, get to the shuttles!”

“Kaidan,” protested Garrus.

The look Kaidan gave him had him drop it.

Nodding, he obeyed as well.

Kaidan threw his helmet under his arm before beginning to move. Before he knew it, an explosion was heard and areas of the ship started burning with exhausting, heated fire. He countered several explosions and fires on the way. There was chaos all around them. Screams and explosions. People were dying all over. He feared the _Normandy_ had seen her last day.

He finally found him.

“Shepard!”

“The distress beacon is ready for launch.”

Reaching him, he pulled on his helmet to afterwards see John wipe the slight sweat from his brow thanks to the heat. Pulling away from the controls, he equipped his own headgear.

“Will the Alliance get here in time?” Kaidan asked.

When another explosion surfaced right beside him, he had to jerk away not to get caught in the crossfire, the force slumping him forward to crash into John. His upper arms were grasped, securing he didn’t fall, and an incredibly blue gaze pinned him. They just looked at each other, John seeming unable to tear his eyes away, although he shortly snapped out of it. Normally he wouldn’t mind, but this wasn’t the time, nor place. Pushing himself away, John’s hands clutched around the neck of a fire extinguisher before he threw it over to him.

Kaidan started to put out the increasing flames while John attempted to find the hull breaches.

“The Alliance...” John began, and pushed some messy concrete away to clear their path “...won’t abandon us. We just need to hold on.”

There was no use covering up the hulls.

“Dammit...” he added. “Lieutenant, get everyone to the escape shuttles.”

_Not without you._

“Liara, Garrus, Wrex and Tali are already out, but Joker’s still in the cockpit. He won’t abandon ship,” he replied, glancing over his shoulder with a hardened expression. “I’m not leaving _either.”_

“I _need_ you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles,” he demanded.

Kaidan’s heart got stuck in his throat when he felt his bicep grasped with a determined hold from behind. John trailed his arm down, having him turn to face him, a puzzled look shrouding his features behind his helmet. Kaidan was halfway expected him to do something else -- _hoping_ him to do something else -- until his hand reached the fire extinguisher, taking it away from him.

“I’ll take care of Joker -” he added, but another explosion forced him further away from him.

Moving an arm in front of his eyes, John nearly toppled over, clinging to the door leading to the corridor of the cockpit. He looked ready to pry it open if he had to.

“John...” Kaidan softly protested.

“K. Go,” he said, his voice soft.

It sounded like a plea. Kaidan faced him when he glanced over. Even behind the helmet, he could see John’s expression mellow. It returned to its stoic roots.

John frowned. “Now.”

The blue glare had pinned him, and he hesitated, holding it for as long as he could. He didn’t want to leave his CO and pilot in the burning ship alone, but orders were orders, no matter how difficult they were to obey.

Kaidan swallowed hard. “I... Aye, aye.”

A small smile was revealed behind John’s helmet, his eyes having crinkled slightly, and Kaidan finally got his feet able to cooperate.

Ignoring the churning of his abdomen, he headed towards the shuttles and reined in everyone he could. The _Normandy_ water sprinkles watered the sections of the ship in hope to mend the flames. Joker didn’t give up that easily. Not everybody were lucky enough to reach the remaining shuttles as several other explosions appeared in every corner of the ship. It was warzone.

Six intact shuttles carried out the survivors, Kaidan joining them, huge pieces of metal and concrete evaporating as they escaped.

That’s when his unease truly kicked in.

Kaidan felt sick.

*

There was another explosion that caused Shepard to almost tumble over again. He kept himself upraised as his hand came in contact with the concrete besides him. He pushed himself back up, moving with an arm shrouding his eyes once again as he tread on, proceeding towards the cockpit. Shepard and Joker were the only ones left. The rest had either died or escaped.

The heat was unbearable and Shepard could find himself sweating.

He finally reached the cockpit where Joker was desperately trying to save the ship. Taking a firm grip of the seat chair lean, holding himself steady, he pulled himself up to Joker’s side. The sound of the flames occupied the empty sections.

“Joker, c’mon!” he called, struggling to keep upraised. “We have to get the hell out of here!”

“No! I won’t abandon the _Normandy!_ I can still save her!”

“The _Normandy_ is lost, goddammit!” Shepard snapped, shooting an arm out towards the concrete that were about to block their escape.

He was hoping it was enough to convince Joker to the best of his abilities that there was no chance. Losing a ship wasn’t as bad as losing a living, breathing human being. Not even the _Normandy._

As it didn’t seem to be enough, he added, “Going down with the ship won’t change that.”

Joker knew he was right.

“Yeah... okay. Help me up,” he muttered, moving his glance to the window. “They’re coming around for another attack!”

A huge explosion appeared as another beam hit the ship. The beam cut through the _Normandy_ just like a sharp knife while its beam headed straight towards them. Shepard quickly grabbed him, throwing his arm around his neck, starting to move towards the last remaining shuttle in hope that they had enough time. He got Joker into the shuttle, but he wasn’t as fortunate, as even more explosions appeared in their wake. One of them centered right before Shepard so the force of the explosion knocked him several feet to the side.

The _Normandy_ had one, big, gaping hull that he was unwillingly heading for. He barely managed to grab ahold of some of the remaining concrete right by the shuttle eject-button.

“Commander!” Joker called helplessly, trying to get to him. “Shepard!”

He felt his fingers about to give in, groaning as one of his hands slipped, although he regained his grip. He realized that a hull was sucking his body towards the open space with a giant beam in front of it. Knowing that the _Normandy_ would explode any minute with an enormous blast radius, he didn’t hesitate for a moment to push the eject button, springing the shuttle away from the explosion.

When he lost his grip entirely, his body spun 180 degrees and headed straight towards the beam. In the moment he thought he was about to hit it, another explosion filled the area he was in. The force threw his body straight into the concrete before him, knocking the very air out of him while his head also hit, giving an aching head pain before he was cast right out the open hull.

Another beam centered at the ship and was the only thing left needed before she would blow up.

Splinters of the concrete cut his helmet oxygen provider, damaging it on the way, a leak appearing somewhere he wasn’t aware. He realized when he tried to breathe. No air was present.

In a moment of sheer panic, he shot out his arm.

Shepard desperately took after the back of his helmet with both hands, trying to locate the hull so he could cover it with soft huffs being the only sound coming out from his mouth, the galaxy’s atmosphere quickly choking him. He tightly closed his eyes that were now watering unwillingly. Shifting his hands along the downside of his helmet, he felt no ragged edges, tracing his gloved fingers across the area.

His vision blurred. His body went limp. He had no more strength to continue trying. He wasn’t able to.

It didn’t take long before he had no air left.

* * *

_“After the *SSV Normandy SR-1* was destroyed, several questions have occurred trying to understand what might have caused the ship’s destruction,”_ Hackett reported on a news vid. _“Reports confirm that whatever it was, it was not the geth, something that proves unbelievably curious. We are doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this. I’m also here to indulge the galaxy around a matter we had decided to keep away from the media until now, as we had no certain answer.”_

Kaidan clenched his jaw.

_“I’m unfortunate to say that Commander John Shepard was KIA -”_

The screen flickered before he threw the remote controller onto the coffee table.

Everyone in the Alliance had stopped looking. There were no signs of the commander. Joker blamed himself for John’s death, convinced that if he didn’t choose to stay in the ship in the first place, John could’ve taken the shuttle before it exploded. He would be alive. Joker knew he would never forgive himself for that, but he accepted that he made a mistake, and tried to forget.

Kaidan still expected John to walk through the airlock.

His feet were planted on the ground, sitting at the edge of a not-so-comfortable couch, arms resting in his lap. He pinched the bridge of his nose. The intense migraine didn’t exactly help. He hadn’t been able to sleep restfully ever since John went down with the _Normandy_ and he didn’t remember the massaging technique that he once showed him. To be honest with himself, he never bothered to learn it, and John didn’t mind. Frankly, he _wanted_ him to do it for him, and he allowed it.

It seemed like John not being present made headaches more common.

Kaidan kept to himself most of the time. Some of his friends on Earth tried to persuade him to go out more, but he straight up refused, rather wanting to focus on work to get his mind off things. That didn’t mean that they would stop continuing to push him. He needed time. He would’ve lied if he said he didn’t miss his former CO. John was a handful at times, sure. Kind of an ass, really, but still.

The thought allowed him a smile, although it quickly faltered.

The good memories had almost turned bad. The crew had disbanded ever since John’s death, being the only one keeping them all together, as many of them found it to be little reason to stay when he was gone. He stayed with the Alliance. He always would.

But hell... it felt really, damn empty without John.

> **2183 CE**
> 
> L4 biotic implants were developed.
> 
> The Council kept it a secret what the reaper’s intentions were, what the Citadel truly was, and the matter around the mass relays.
> 
> Cerberus forces, a terrorist group, attacked the _Migrant Fleet_ that decided to change its conservative policy and started sending ships away from the _Flotilla_ so that they could look for new homeworlds.
> 
> Several Special Forces units were dispatched to aid the colony of Fehl Prime that was under attack by Blood Pack forces. The majority of the Special Forces were killed in action, but Delta Squad survived, and defeated the Blood Pack. Delta Squad now guarded the colony.
> 
>  
> 
> **2184 CE**
> 
> Most geth forces in Citadel space was destroyed, but there were yet holdouts where they remained. The Alliance Navy decided to reduce their patrols so that civilian ships were to report geth activity.
> 
> Asari made first contact with the raloi species and were formally welcomed into the galactic community, launching their first space telescope and discovered the asari cruiser _Azedes._
> 
> The human terrorist organization Totenkopf attacked the Gagarian Station who used the biological weapon EHE, Exotic Humanoid Encephalopathy. To monitor the asteroid Israil, the Alliance cruiser _SSV Manila_ was deployed, and the asteroid contained the supposed origin of the microorganisms used to produce EHE.
> 
> First encounter with the vorcha species occurred. Blood Pack mercenaries attacked the _MSV Estevanico_ that crashed into the planet Zanethu.
> 
> L5 biotic implants were developed.
> 
>  
> 
> **2185 CE**
> 
> Collectors attacked the colony of Fehl Prime and most of Delta Squad were lost during the battle. The collector ship harvested the colonists into the ship. James Vega, one of the Delta Squad members, rescued a woman with intel on the collectors instead of the colonists.
> 
> Kaidan accepted that John was gone.

Kaidan sat quaintly in the Embassy Bar at the Presidium. It wasn’t exactly the most comfortable place to be, but it was the most accessible place with short distance to the embassies. Councilor Anderson had called him in to meet at the ambassador’s office in fifteen minutes with new orders. He couldn’t exactly place why he had to meet up with him face-to-face, as the orders usually carried over private terminals and omni-tools, but one thing was for certain -- it was important enough to contact him directly.

“Kaidan?” he heard a familiar, soft voice. “I thought I would find you here.”

He turned to the woman speaking to him and unexpectedly managed to knock over his own beer causing his relaxed, soft, brown eyes to go wide. The next thing he remembered was spilling half of his easily tepid drink on both the table and himself. Just in time, he caught the bottle before it hit the floor, almost causing him to spring up in a moment of pure shock as if it had just scared the living hell out of him.

“By the goddess, I am so sorry!” she called, and rushed to his aid. “I did not mean to frighten you.”

He placed the bottle back on the table, slightly shook his hands that were almost soaked in beer and would be a pain to clean up again, mindful of the looks they both got from other attendants.

“I -it’s fine. Really. Don’t worry about it, Liara,” he said, almost chuckled. “I have a larger paycheck, now. A half beer isn’t too much to worry about. Either way, considering the circumstances, it’s good to see you again.”

She smiled apologetically. “It is good to see you as well, Kaidan. I am still sorry for sneaking up on you like that. It was not intended. I forget it has been a while since we last spoke. Seeing me here is unexpected. I shall ask the owner of this lounge to find some sheets.”

He had no time to persist before she had stormed off. Instead, he slid back into the chair and awaited her return. It didn’t take long before he saw her approach him with the sheets. The owner of the bar insisted cleaning up the table and so he only had to worry about himself. It would leave some ugly stains in his marine-blue civvies, but that was little to be concerned about.

What he did want to know was what Liara was doing at the Citadel.

“What are you doing here, Liara?” he asked, finishing cleaning up. “I haven’t seen you since -”

“...since the fall of Sovereign,” she finished with a softened expression, and propped into the chair besides him. “I am sorry for not taking contact earlier, Kaidan. For the past years, I have focused entirely on Shep -Illium... has kept me occupied for the past years. I have been monitoring and gathering intel on the Shadow Broker. I am close to finding his base. It is very exciting. Unfortunately I have not had time to do much else.”

“That’s very impressive, Liara. But you have nothing to apologize for. I’ve been mostly occupied myself. You know, new duties, new orders.”

“Yes, I heard,” she replied with a soft smile, although it shortly dissolved. “I take it you have not spoken with the councilor, yet?”

His meeting with Anderson had been off the records. No one knew about it.

The surprise must’ve shown on his face.

Smirking, she said, “I appear to have quite the information broker skills, myself.”

Kaidan chuckled. “That’s very true,” he said. “No, I haven’t. The information I have about the mission is very restricted. It doesn’t tell me much except from Cerberus activity in several of the systems, human colonies being hit, but that’s about it.”

“I see. I would very much like to speak with you after you have. If Councilor Anderson allows it, of course. We have a lot to discuss, Staff Commander,” she replied, and her face lit up. “I would also love to catch up.”

He returned the smile. “That sounds great, Liara. I would love to.”

“Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko,” he heard a man call from the door opening, snapping a salute. Kaidan cast his attention towards the marine. “Councilor Anderson would like to see you now.”

Liara turned back to him with a warm smile. “Good luck. I will be in the Presidium by the café when you return.”

He returned a nod and then rose up from the chair as well as she. The marine stepped aside when Liara approached and allowed her to exit. He was soon brought to the ambassador’s office where Anderson stood tall with hands moved behind his back.

Kaidan snapped a salute, receiving a nod and a soft smile in return.

“Councilor Anderson, sir. You wanted to see me?”

“I did,” he replied, but blinked as his eyes wandered to the stains in his civvies.

Kaidan’s cheeks flushed.

It was at his thigh so the location could’ve been much worse.

Anderson didn’t comment. “Good to see you made it over here, Staff Commander. At ease, soldier.”

He let his hand drop to his side. With a hand gesture, Anderson guided him in the direction to sit. He approached the chair and slid into it, feeling uneasy while shifting as if he knew what he had in store. He let his arms rest at the tabletop, not knowing what else to do with them, following Anderson with his eyes who was calmly pacing the room with a fixated look.

“As I told you in my message, we have had reports of Cerberus activity in several systems,” he added. “After the attack on Fehl Prime, we have kept our eyes open to any form of Cerberus activity. The mission I am about to give you involves the human colony attacks that we believe Cerberus is behind. We believe that the colony Horizon in the Iera system is the next one to get hit. We want you to bring your team and check it out.”

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“Granted.”

“I understand the dangers of the situation and I’m more than willing to participate in this mission, but... with all due respect... the colony attacks are not classified in any way. As well as Cerberus being involved,” he said, and Anderson turned his back against him to look out the window. “Why contact me directly with this information? Has there been a bug in the system to make it dangerous to converse via comm-link or messages? I also don’t understand why you specifically asked for me and not any other soldier.”

Anderson took a moment. “Cerberus operatives have been seen in company of Commander Shepard.”

Kaidan’s throat went dry.

Commander _Shepard._

He didn’t understand as if his brain had just short-circuited and needed rebooting. He found himself trembling and could swear he had the taste of blood in his mouth. Dizzy and almost nauseous because of it. His emotions stumbled between anger and relief. Denial and acceptance. He was glad he was already sitting because his legs would most likely give in if he stood upraised. Cerberus. John was working for _Cerberus._ What the hell went wrong? At the moment, however, there was only one thing that he could think of.

He swallowed hard.

“John’s alive?”

The words came out as a strangled mutter.

When Anderson turned back, Kaidan’s eyes intently focused on his face, looking for any sign of dishonesty. Waiting for someone to walk into the room and say it was a joke -- a cruel as hell joke -- waiting for someone to pinch him back into reality.

“So the rumors say. But hell, that’s all they are. Rumors.”

John could be _alive._

Anderson fell into a pause. “Dr. Liara T’Soni recovered his body two years ago.”

Kaidan could swear his heart tried to escape through his throat. _Body._ John’s _body._ That sentence sent a ray of discomfort through his own.

“I would advise you to speak with her before you head for Horizon,” Anderson added.

* * *

Kaidan wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch him or hug him.

Obliviously, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the man before him, going rigid from the sudden intimate contact. He felt arms envelop him shortly after. For a moment, they just held each other, not uttering a single word. Kaidan pinched his eyes shut to realize how much he’d missed the contact. He couldn’t even begin to describe how glad he was to see him in one piece. Alive and walking.

“You all right, K?” he asked, draping an arm around his shoulder. “Nice to see you, too.”

The voice, having heard the small smile in it, hit him like a bag of bricks. It was John’s voice. He had missed the sound of it. Far more than he would like to admit. Kaidan inhaled, burying his face in the grope between his neck and shoulder, feeling him turn into it.

“I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did.”

Two years. John had been presumed dead for two years that seemed like forever, and here he was, standing right in front of his former lieutenant. After Liara had found Shepard’s body, she delivered it to Cerberus who collected their best scientists and knowledge to bring him back, calling it ‘The Lazarus Project.’ They knew that losing John would make winning this war even more difficult.

Now when Saren was dead, John was the only one that had the knowledge of the beacons and the understanding of the prothean language. The leader of Cerberus, Illusive Man, had made sure the Lazarus Project came to fruition. For two years, they worked on this project. For two years, John had most likely been on life support. For two years, Kaidan had believed John was gone, and would remain that way.

After they brought down Sovereign and John walked through the rubble, he was ready to believe anything. But after two years, he was convinced that it was no longer so, having come to terms with his death.

Now, he was back, and he didn’t know how to process it.

Kaidan tightened his embrace before he pulled away, feeling the hand laid around his shoulder cupping his cheek, opening his eyes to see the warmth in John’s gaze as he dropped his hand. He let his eyes search the facial scars on his cheek that he’d probably gained after the _Normandy_ went down, a red glow present in them, but made sure he didn’t stare. They were still visible but beginning to fade. John had shifted before he embraced him, guiding him towards the other side of his face instead, so he wasn’t happy with them himself.

“It’s been too long, Kaidan,” he said, now wearing the same stoic look. “How’ve you been?”

Scoffing, Kaidan asked, “Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?”

John, no -- _Shepard_ \-- opened his mouth but didn’t have the time to inquire before Kaidan cut him off.

 _You don’t have the right to reply._

“I would’ve followed you anywhere, Commander!” he snapped, taking a step forward that nearly forced _Shepard_ to back away. “Thinking you were gone... it was like losing a limb. Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you at least let me know you were alive?”

 _Shepard_ seemed taken aback. “Kaidan, I was out for two years. You’ve moved on with your career and life. Why reopen old wounds?”

“Old wounds?” he snapped, venom in his voice. “Hell, I don’t know what I am to you, but is it so damned difficult to put yourself in my situation -- never seeing a man you’ve known for months exit that godforsaken pod after the _Normandy_ was destroyed?”

He watched as his expression mellowed, his own heart beating rapidly, his chest tight.

“I did move on,” he added, trying to convince himself.

His eyes dropped to the ground, avoiding all forms of eye contact, knowing it wasn’t true.

Kaidan clenched his jaw. “At least I thought I did. But now we’ve got reports about you and _Cerberus.”_

“Wait. Reports?” Garrus asked, standing next to a woman that he hadn’t seen before. “You mean you already knew?”

“The Alliance thought Cerberus could be behind the missing colonists. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit,” he replied, turning back to Shepard. “Anderson stonewalled me. But there were rumors that you weren’t dead. That you were working for the enemy.”

He found himself swallowing as he watched him, his demeanor unfazed, angering him.

“Cerberus and I want the same thing. That doesn’t mean I answer to them.”

“Do you really believe that? Or is it just what Cerberus wants you to think?” he spat, taking another step forward to leave inches between them. “I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected anything like... this.”

He cast his gaze Garrus’ way -- his ‘this’ rebuke directed at him -- who had joined Shepard’s OP as well.

Kaidan turned back to meet the blue hue. “You’ve turned your back on everything we stood for.”

“Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies,” he replied, taking another step forward “...and they’re working with the reapers!”

It only left about thirty centimeters between the two, and although angry, Kaidan didn’t attempt to add to the distance between them. The thick layer of trust that once formed between the sentinel and soldier became thinner and thinner at every waking moment. He wasn’t himself as he spoke and couldn’t stop himself from saying something he knew he would come to regret.

“I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don’t trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a reaper to manipulate _you,”_ he said. “What if they’re behind it? What if they’re working with the collectors?”

“Damn it, Kaidan!” Garrus broke in.

“Typical Alliance attitude,” the woman said, arms folded across her chest. “You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re blind to the real threat.”

She had an Australian accent, clear hostility in her tone, if not exasperation.

He saw the Cerberus logo by her collarbone.

Of course.

She was one of them.

“You’re one to talk,” he replied, taking a step forward only to feel a flattened hand between his pecs as Shepard held him back. “How the hell can I simply ignore that? You were doing experiments on innocent people, killed Admiral Kahoku!” He turned to Shepard. “They slaughtered your unit, for god’s sake! How the hell can you trust these people?”

“I wasn’t part of that,” she said, scowling. “Cerberus are not a simple terrorist organization, we -”

“This isn’t helping,” Shepard said softly, giving her a look over his shoulder.

Her expression immediately mellowed.

She had respect for him, at least, although she showed little of it towards Kaidan. Kaidan still felt like there was more to it. It was almost as if this woman held Shepard in such an esteemed regard that it appeared more than friendly.

Something else built up in his chest.

Jealousy?

He didn’t like the way she looked at Shepard.

Shepard dropped his hand. “You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you think you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight,” he replied, the lines in his forehead retracting. “You’ve changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they want to believe your story or not.”

“I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan,” he said, after Kaidan began to walk away. “It’ll be just like old times.”

“No, it won’t. I’ll never work for Cerberus.” He turned back, noticing the somewhat pained expression on his face. “Goodbye, Shepard.”

His reply seems so unfazed that he felt his insides twist. It was so far away from the truth that he almost believed it himself.

He didn’t notice that he had paused before it was too late to cover for it.

Kaidan’s voice softened “...and be careful.”

Walking away, he felt unusually soft, blue eyes upon him as he left.

“Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up,” he heard Shepard’s weary voice, revealing that he and Garrus weren’t the only ones working for Cerberus.

Kaidan’s chest tightened.

“I’ve had enough of this colony,” was the last he heard from Shepard that day.

*

When he finally came to terms that Shepard was dead, he casually approached him on Horizon, complicating things even more. Shepard had been lost to them, and he knew in his head that he had to accept this, proving far more difficult than he ever would’ve thought. Nevertheless, he knew that he hadn’t treated Shepard fairly at all down on Horizon, regretting what he had said at once.

Hell, he didn’t want to leave it like that.

Seeing Shepard alive sent him spinning, but things had changed, considerably. Everything that came out of his mouth was thrown accusations for Shepard to feel bad about himself. It was the exact thing that happened when Ashley died back on Virmire. The guilt was killing him. He blamed him for not taking contact for two whole years, which pissed him off, seeing that he had mourned him through it all.

_Why the hell didn’t he contact me?_

If Anderson didn’t send him to Horizon, he never would’ve known that Shepard was alive, not unless Liara had told him either way. That was another matter that bothered him.

_Why didn’t Liara tell me sooner?_

She probably felt ashamed that she wasn’t willing to let Shepard go, but she wasn’t the one he accused, even if she was the one who handed him over to the enemy. He blamed Shepard. No one else.

Hell, he blamed him for _dying,_ and that was egoistic as hell.

He was convinced that Shepard was just a puppet, modified for Cerberus’ benefits, building him from the ground up. There was no way that things could get back to how they were even as much as he wanted to. He didn’t know what to believe. Especially now.

Kaidan was clutching the report of the mission.

His head was blank and no words appeared in his mind. Putting what happened down there on a pad was a pain. He had some sort of invisible veil shrouding his mind, only leaving him thinking about the way he walked out on him, struggling to concentrate. It was eating away at his mind. Hell, he needed to do something, apologize for what he had said.

He couldn’t bring himself to contact the man directly, so he decided to write a message with an open ending, needing no reply. Two hours passed while trying to find the best words and setting possible.

Kaidan was close to giving up when the clock approached four hours instead.

> _‘Shepard, hey -’_  
>  _‘I didn’t mean what I said back on Horizon -’_  
>  _‘What I meant to say, was -’_  
>  _‘Shepard, I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon...’_

After that, everything just came fluently, and nothing was held back. 

* * *

Shepard, Miranda -- a Cerberus officer who was also his XO -- and Garrus just came back from Horizon. The airlock loudly shut behind them. Moving his hands to the edge of his helmet, he gently pulled it off, followed by rolling his shoulders. He was thankful that those paralytic insects hadn’t taken a bite of him. Collectors and YMIR mechs he could handle, but this? He would rather avoid any form of contact related to it. Being paralyzed wasn’t exactly the most pleasant experience. Especially when you were aware of everything happening around you.

His gaze unconsciously followed Miranda as she walked past him.

She always put the mission first and he respected her greatly for that. Miranda had always been the bossy one, crass and somewhat of an ice-queen, and she took some time to warm up to. Shepard had seen through her, knowing it was simply a protective wall, and there was something particularly appealing about that. She had been genetically modified -- giving her an edge -- so he could accept her having some attitude judging by the fact that she had few flaws. Her amazing looks gave it away and Shepard had to admit that he had glanced her way more than a few times.

He dared to call it both mental and physical attraction.

His attention settled at Garrus who clicked his mandibles, wanting to say something about what happened down there, but let it be. He knew him well enough to know that he didn’t want to talk.

Their next stop was Illium.

“Hey, Commander.” Joker spun the leather seat around when Shepard approached him. “That’s uh, that’s pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huh? I mean, it was probably a setup or something, but it was still good to see Kaidan. Staff Commander Alenko, wasn’t it?”

He had considered forcing him at gunpoint.

“Just another reminder I’ve lost more than my life. I don’t need this crap!”

Joker’s eyes went wide.

His reaction to all this surprised Shepard himself more than anyone else. The throbbing headache that was building up in his head was probably the cause of it, and adding all that bullshit Kaidan threw his way, it only increased to his anger.

Joker blinked. “Right, Commander.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap like that,” he murmured, guiding a hand across his face. “I just... really don’t want to talk ‘bout this.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it. Don’t pop a gasket.”

Shepard took a moment. “I assume everything is going well up here?”

“This thing wants to fire me over a joke!” he replied, turning to their AI. “Okay, I said I’d flash the AI core, but I was kidding. And we’d only lose a few systems.” He flashed and an expression of disgust. “Nosey ones.”

The Enhanced Defense Intelligence, EDI for short, was the artificial intelligence of the ship. She has control over most of the systems, much to Joker’s dismay, preferring to fly the ship without any kind of help. Cerberus had created and installed her to the _SSV Normandy SR-2._ She was presented as a blue, holographic sphere, being a Quantum Blue Box.

 _“To clarify,”_ EDI said. _“Human resources adjustments are not actually under my authority.”_

“Then _why?”_ Joker asked irritably. “Why are you always picking on me?”

_“My replies were intended to provoke, though not to cause distress. Your reactions are atypical of most humans. You are interesting.”_

There was nothing in the restrictions that forbade active observation techniques. It appeared that Joker’s performance improved under duress, according to EDI, but Joker chimed in that he never figured that the coming overlords would be so annoying.

Classic Joker.

The headache was almost in its full force, and Shepard took after his head.

He approached the galaxy map to set course for Illium, eyes wandering to the blinking light on his personal terminal, letting his hand drop and transferring whatever messages stored on the terminal onto his omni-tool by guiding it across the screen. He hoped for the death of him that it wasn’t another interview coming up with Khalisah.

However, when he brought up the omni-tool display and unlocked the screen, his body went rigid.

It was quiet enough for him to clearly hear the sound of his own heartbeat.

> _**From:** Kaidan Alenko_  
>  _**Subject:** About Horizon..._

He shut off the omni-tool.

_[MESSAGE UNREAD]_


End file.
